August 20, 2012

Why We Do What We Don’t Want To Do

“Why, God?  Why can't I stop eating?”

I've screamed out this very prayer thousands of times over the course of my short life.  One night as a little girl, after stumbling onto late night porn at a friends house, the binging began.  Shame came like a wrecking ball, awaking a sexual monster that lurked in my past from abuse–one that never should have come alive that early.  I ran into the kitchen and with tears pouring down my little cheeks, I ate everything in sight.  After that dark night, comfort eating continued for over two decades.

Overeating wasn't ever about food.  It wasn't about weight and it wasn't about appearance.  It was about a heart in pain, needing a fix, needing a drug, needing to be filled.

And when your heart and soul are in pain, you'll do just about anything to find relief, even if that relief is temporary.  Even if that relief comes with a price.  Even if that relief causes more pain, more destruction, more addiction.  It's why people find themselves enslaved to food, drugs, alcohol, sex, porn, masturbation, perfectionism, performance, and cutting.  The very thing that gives our wounded hearts temporary relief ends up being the one thing that locks our cage in hell.

You find, unfortunately, the relief is never enough.  The pain always comes back.  You always need another fix, like drinking sand in hopes of conquering thirst.

When things happen that shouldn't have happened, when you were abused, neglected, rejected–when you were told repeatedly that you were ugly, stupid, unlovable, or not enough–your heart and soul took the punches.  The more hits you took, the more pain your soul had to endure.  Every wounded memory, from your parents getting divorced to not having parents at all–every moment of heartbreak, from sitting alone on the sidelines of a dance or being picked last for kickball–were stored in the filing cabinet of your heart.  And you keep immaculate records.  When your tattered heart hasn't been allowed to heal, it copes in order to survive.

And you end up doing the very things you don't want to do.

Years ago, I didn't get drunk and do drugs because I was a happy, fulfilled girl who simply wanted to have a good time.  I needed a quick escape that made me forget about how much I hated myself.  I wasn't a perfectionist because being perfect made my life more joyful.  I had to be perfect because if I wasn't, I was petrified that someone would see how screwed up I was and reject me.   I didn't binge on food because I enjoyed the flavors.  I ate and ate because the emptiness was haunting.  In the few minutes it took to stuff my face, I felt filled and ‘in control' of something in a world completely out of my control.

Instead of going after the behaviors you don't like about yourself–instead of trying to perfect an external shell of a body to hide what's inside, it's time open up the vault of your soul.  You can't change until you heal, and you can't heal until you're willing to receive truth.

But I promise you, the truth sets you free.  Totally free.


Is there a behavior in your life you can't seem to shake?  Do you wonder why you do the very thing you hate, time and time again?  It's time to stop trying to change yourself.  You can't.  You must receive healing into the roots of your heart and THEN the fruit of your life will change.

Take a moment, close your eyes, and breathe in deep.  Give yourself permission to heal.  Give yourself permission to take down your walls of protection that have failed you, and try something new.  That's the first step.

More to come.

xx, Christa




4 Responses to “Why We Do What We Don’t Want To Do”

  1. I’m so glad you are blogging about this… I am 55 years old, a wife, Mom of 4 and Grammy of 5. I have struggled with binge eating since I was a preteen. I was born again at 21, and God has always been so good… Through the years since salvation I have prayed, repented, received prayer, received layers of healing and I still fall into this… In the past weeks I have been feeling a nudge from Holy Spirit to overcome. But to approach it differently than before… I usually fast for a few days to try to break my food addiction and get rid of cravings…. Then I try to be perfect at eating healthy…. then comes failure…. I’m not saying all of this to glorify my failures…. I think I may actually be coming to the revelation that I can fail and still be victorious…. That sounds like nonsense but I think it’s true! So here I go again… Depending on the grace He is giving to help me overcome. I will take baby steps this time instead of expecting myself to be perfect at this… I want to be healthy and strong to live out my destiny with God and to reveal His glory! Thank you Christa for being transparent and sharing your testimony! Be blessed beyond imagination! (By the way, I was at your wedding! (TheCall 7/7/07)

  2. Hi, Christa. I doubt you remember me, but I met you this past summer at BSW a number of times. This is exactly where I am. Thank you so much for your transparency. I have so much healing to go through, and I am finally giving myself permission to heal. I’ve been reading and listening to Graham Cooke (I have those books you recommended and am STUDYING them, not just reading them), as well as your book, John Crowder, Kris Vallotton & Bill Johnson stuff. Daddy is doing INCREDIBLE stuff in me! Yay! And, thank you again. You are a blessing beyond measure.

  3. Sarah Silvester

    It’s so awesome to see you blogging again. I want to give “God Loves Ugly” to every woman I know. You are an amazing inspiration to me! Thank you for your honesty and being willing to write about the hard stuff.

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“I had planned to end my life, but chose to give it one last shot and signed up for the Master Heart Course. I finally found what I was looking for. My life has changed in ways I could never could put into words, being healed far beyond what I could imagine. I have a long way to go, but this course literally saved my life..”