Babies, babies everywhere.
If I didn't know any better, I'd think mothers followed me around to torture me. Yesterday alone, at least five new mamas came into Starbucks toting newborns about the same age as Goldie should have been. I'd find myself staring without shame—drinking in the scene with a longing worse than a heroin addict wanting a fix. I'm sure these strangers wonder why the crazy lady in the corner has tears streaming down her cheeks while staring at their little girls, but I could care less in the middle of my moment.
Crying feels so good, even in public. For I'm close to her inside the tears.
My arms long to hold. My arms long to feel. My arms long to adore. Good grief, my arms even long to change a poopy diaper and be spit up on a few hundred times. This morning as I woke up rested, the thought crossed my mind, I wish for anything I was exhausted from nighttime feedings. As I put on regular clothes, bypassing the maternity pile, I thought to myself, I sure wish I was still pregnant unable to fit into anything. As I sat down to write today I thought to myself, I sure wish I didn't have all the time in the world to do this.
Before I realize what's happening, longing has taken over, pulling me away from the reality that I'm currently left with.
You see, longing isn't necessarily a bad thing. It pulls us towards goals, towards relationships, towards love. But there's a point where longing can become dangerous if it pulls us out of the waters of contentment.
I'm left with a reality that I cannot change right now. I can't have a baby right now, that situation takes a good 10 months. I can't be pregnant right now, my body is still healing from the last pregnancy. And no matter how deeply I long for her, I can't bring my little Goldie back to life on this earth.
Yes, I will miss my baby girl until the day that I die, but I won't long for something that I cannot change–especially if it drags me into discontentment. Continuing to long for the unavoidable has the potential to do one thing…..leave me completely unsatisfied. And an unsatisfied hearts stews in hopelessness.
So today, as the babies parade by me here at my little writing table in Starbucks, I won't look with longing at what I don't have. I'll look with expectancy at what the future holds.
I'll look with new eyes….with excitement for the potential for life in front of me.
I'll look with anticipation…knowing I'll get to some day look upon the face of my little Goldie.
I'll look with joy…knowing there are many more children in my future.
And as contentment fills my heart in the present, with all that I already have and all that the future holds, my heart is filled with hope as it continues to heal.
PHILIPPIANS 4:11-12
“I’ve learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I’m just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I’ve found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am.” (MSG)
xx,
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I understand that feeling. I’m 38 and my high school yearbook voted me “most likely to have at least 5 kids,” and I ran our church nursery at 16. I have zero kids and as the years go by the pain gets worst. The great attitude you have has gone away.
My high school was going to vote me ‘nicest girl’ as a joke. haha. (: I love in Philippians 4, we’re given a formula for contentment, and it has nothing to do with the circumstance. It has everything to do with the relationship we have with the One in the midst of the circumstance. Take this pain to Jesus….let him hold your heart as you long for children of your own. That desire is a God-given desire….you’re a woman created to birth life and nurture life. But I promise you, there’s a way to go through that pain where it doesn’t lead to despair void of hope…..(: xoxo
I’m 54 now and God chose a path for us that didn’t include children… though He blessed me as a teaching in a small town with a 3 room school house where for 20 years we were part of the joy of children’s lives. Is it the same? No. Was it tough on days? Beyond words. But Christa captured the journey of loss beautifully in this blog. I remember walking up to the “longing line” and knew when Jesus held me lovingly from crossing into a territory that would not be helpful. It was always with compassion, always kindness and alway my choice. Your story may not have the same outcome as mine, but I can tell you with absolute confidence: God has filled my heart in all the empty places. Not second rate consolation blessings. Completely. The joy of being a woman who has loved scores of children and who have them now bring their children to me because I was so important in their lives is a different kind of gift that I treasure deeply. . Blessings to you Jessica as you walk your path and huge, giant hugs to you Christa my friend for walking with us on yours. Each day, you make Him smile.
Love you, Allison!
Wow Allison…wow. I dont have words. Only God can give such peace and contentment….xxxx
I understand that feeling. I’m 38 and my high school yearbook voted me “most likely to have at least 5 kids,” and I ran our church nursery at 16. I have zero kids and as the years go by the pain gets worst. The great attitude you have has gone away.
I’m 54 now and God chose a path for us that didn’t include children… though He blessed me as a teaching in a small town with a 3 room school house where for 20 years we were part of the joy of children’s lives. Is it the same? No. Was it tough on days? Beyond words. But Christa captured the journey of loss beautifully in this blog. I remember walking up to the “longing line” and knew when Jesus held me lovingly from crossing into a territory that would not be helpful. It was always with compassion, always kindness and alway my choice. Your story may not have the same outcome as mine, but I can tell you with absolute confidence: God has filled my heart in all the empty places. Not second rate consolation blessings. Completely. The joy of being a woman who has loved scores of children and who have them now bring their children to me because I was so important in their lives is a different kind of gift that I treasure deeply. . Blessings to you Jessica as you walk your path and huge, giant hugs to you Christa my friend for walking with us on yours. Each day, you make Him smile.
Love you, Allison!
Wow Allison…wow. I dont have words. Only God can give such peace and contentment….xxxx
So helpful today. I keep having fears that it will happen again.
I’m sure when I get pregnant again, I’m going to face that wall at some point. Which is why….I definitely need to write a blog on ‘hearing.’ God has told me some amazing promises about my next children and pregnancies that are my anchors in these days, and in the days to come! I know he has promises for you, too, girl! I still can’t wait to meet you!!!!!
Wow…thanks Christa. I also fear losing another child – these days I think its better not to have a child to be free from the anxiety of having them; I already have 2 in heaven and I will have eternity with them!!!
I use to have your attitude but nothing is guaranteed in life, I fear believing and trusting again. The hurt is so overwhelming.
I keep reading. I keep seeking…but the hard fact is we live in this world….yes we also serve a great God but nothing is guaranteed and we have to keep loving Him even if we never get anything in this lifetime…it’s not easy but definitely possible!!
Much love xxxx
Thank you for this Christa. My situation is not the same, my pain is not your pain, and yet I understand – at least in part. Thank you for sharing your life so us, it does help us, please know that. Xx
xoxoxoxo
Thank you for this Christa. My situation is not the same, my pain is not your pain, and yet I understand – at least in part. Thank you for sharing your life so us, it does help us, please know that. Xx
Thank you Christa for writing about losing Goldie on your blog! I get great comfort, healing and hope from your experience and faith. It’s a month ago tomorrow that we lost our daughter at 24 weeks of pregnancy due to an extremely rare chromosome 9 deletion. I think about my daughter almost all the time and miss her and miss being pregnant. God has been so merciful and present however, speaking to us intimately and showing us pictures of heaven and of our little girl dancing in the presence if Jesus. You so often gave words to the things I have thought and felt over the last month. Thank you for your honesty, also about writing about the longing for another baby and at the same time longing for the little one we have just lost, our little Tessa (meaning harvest) Johanna(God is merciful). May God bless you and your family immensely so you can continue to bless others. Xx
Oh girl…I’m so sorry you know the pain that I know all too well. Love her name….and her and Goldie can hang out until we get there. (: xoxoxoxo
Thank you xxxx 🙂
Thank you Christa for writing about losing Goldie on your blog! I get great comfort, healing and hope from your experience and faith. It’s a month ago tomorrow that we lost our daughter at 24 weeks of pregnancy due to an extremely rare chromosome 9 deletion. I think about my daughter almost all the time and miss her and miss being pregnant. God has been so merciful and present however, speaking to us intimately and showing us pictures of heaven and of our little girl dancing in the presence if Jesus. You so often gave words to the things I have thought and felt over the last month. Thank you for your honesty, also about writing about the longing for another baby and at the same time longing for the little one we have just lost, our little Tessa (meaning harvest) Johanna(God is merciful). May God bless you and your family immensely so you can continue to bless others. Xx
Oh girl…I’m so sorry you know the pain that I know all too well. Love her name….and her and Goldie can hang out until we get there. (: xoxoxoxo
Thank you xxxx 🙂
Thanks. Different circumstances, same truth!
Thank you so much for your courage to share your story. Your posts have been so encouraging to me since my miscarriage months ago. I understand this longing so well. thank you again for writing and using another piece of your story to glorify God.
Thank you so much for your courage to share your story. Your posts have been so encouraging to me since my miscarriage months ago. I understand this longing so well. thank you again for writing and using another piece of your story to glorify God.
I add my thanks again for your honesty and authenticity through all of this, Christa. Our first daughter died the day she was born with no earthly explanation. Her name is Charis. When the time came around to deliver my second child, I was scared. Papa had already told us her name would be “Promise Adonai.”
My husband passed out in the delivery room during yet another traumatic delivery . . . and we welcomed Promise into the world moments later. Today she is thirteen years old and has three younger sisters 🙂
The pain I felt the day Charis died has never left me. And neither has the hope…
xo
I add my thanks again for your honesty and authenticity through all of this, Christa. Our first daughter died the day she was born with no earthly explanation. Her name is Charis. When the time came around to deliver my second child, I was scared. Papa had already told us her name would be “Promise Adonai.”
My husband passed out in the delivery room during yet another traumatic delivery . . . and we welcomed Promise into the world moments later. Today she is thirteen years old and has three younger sisters 🙂
The pain I felt the day Charis died has never left me. And neither has the hope…
xo
Thank you for your openness and honesty. I don’t have the same circumstances but I know the feeling of longing for something you don’t have. Discontentment and I have been friends. I have had to remind myself to be thankful for what I do have. You are in my prayers as you go through this journey. Thank God He is always there and He truly understands!
Thank you for your openness and honesty. I don’t have the same circumstances but I know the feeling of longing for something you don’t have. Discontentment and I have been friends. I have had to remind myself to be thankful for what I do have. You are in my prayers as you go through this journey. Thank God He is always there and He truly understands!
AMEN!!!
AMEN!!!
I just found your blog and although I’m not in your shoes, I love what you said about life being all around. My husband and I have been trying to have kids for 2.5 years and I consider it a blessing to attend baby showers and constantly be surrounded by LIFE – What a blessing from the Lord. I’m sorry to hear about your loss, my 2.5 year old nephew just passed away two months ago so I’m going to keep reading other posts and I have a feeling you have written something that my encourage my SIL (or me to be honesty) as we navigate this loss.
http://www.in-due-time.com
I just found your blog and although I’m not in your shoes, I love what you said about life being all around. My husband and I have been trying to have kids for 2.5 years and I consider it a blessing to attend baby showers and constantly be surrounded by LIFE – What a blessing from the Lord. I’m sorry to hear about your loss, my 2.5 year old nephew just passed away two months ago so I’m going to keep reading other posts and I have a feeling you have written something that my encourage my SIL (or me to be honesty) as we navigate this loss.
http://www.in-due-time.com
Hi Christa, my sister in law sent me a link to the beautiful song you posted a few days ago. It is beautiful. I am so sorry that your little Goldie is not in your arms, I wish you got to change dirty nappies and get up for night feeds. I get the babies babies everywhere…we lost our son Isaac last year and it was like some cruel joke. Everywhere I turned. But gosh you have some perspective and you are so brave to keep writing it’s a helpful tool to process feelings, thoughts, emotions hey? Sending lots of love to you and your husband as you navigate this grief journey xxx
Hi Christa, my sister in law sent me a link to the beautiful song you posted a few days ago. It is beautiful. I am so sorry that your little Goldie is not in your arms, I wish you got to change dirty nappies and get up for night feeds. I get the babies babies everywhere…we lost our son Isaac last year and it was like some cruel joke. Everywhere I turned. But gosh you have some perspective and you are so brave to keep writing it’s a helpful tool to process feelings, thoughts, emotions hey? Sending lots of love to you and your husband as you navigate this grief journey xxx
Thank you for sharing! As a woman who seems to have absolutely no control over when we will be able to conceive (much like those all around me) and who in the past has had a difficult time carrying to term (2 miscarriages), this blog was a welcomed reminder that I had been in a place of hopelessness…even though I would vehemently deny that! Thank you thank you thank you for speaking from your heart and for delivering the heart of God to His people!
I too long for a baby, but I’m not married YET! Since a little girl I have dreamed of finding a Godly man to spend my life with, and I have been searching, and being active in it. As I’m getting older (35), and struggle with poor kidney function and some other health issues, they recently said if I get pregnant I will be really high risk! YET, everything in me wants a husband and to hold my own precious baby one day. I hold onto this promise!!! I had even considered looking into surrogacy and some other things, but realized I cannot take matters into my own hands, yet the ache and longing there is sooooo deep. I’ve come to a place where I have to be ok to know that I may never birth my own baby, but I can still be a mother!!!!! Somehow! Someway!!!! Someday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I too long for a baby, but I’m not married YET! Since a little girl I have dreamed of finding a Godly man to spend my life with, and I have been searching, and being active in it. As I’m getting older (35), and struggle with poor kidney function and some other health issues, they recently said if I get pregnant I will be really high risk! YET, everything in me wants a husband and to hold my own precious baby one day. I hold onto this promise!!! I had even considered looking into surrogacy and some other things, but realized I cannot take matters into my own hands, yet the ache and longing there is sooooo deep. I’ve come to a place where I have to be ok to know that I may never birth my own baby, but I can still be a mother!!!!! Somehow! Someway!!!! Someday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hi Christa….I lost my beautiful baby girl on the morning your wrote this; i only saw this today. I also listened to ‘If God is good, why did my baby die’ this morning. I ‘use to’ speak, think and believe like you. I LOVE JESUS and I LOVE TO GIVE HIM ALL THE GLORY, but i dont know how….something died with Gia(her name means God’s graciousness). I live in South Africa and have kind of a public job (personal stylist, speaker etc); I dont have words, I use to but I dont now. Every single day all I ask and think about is why didnt He do a miracle…You knew my girl was going to die…Why didnt my prayers work? I prayed throughout my entire pregnancy etc etc…you know the story.
Most days I wish He can just blow the trumpets and come, so i can be with her.
I was pregnant with 6 of my closest friends (Gia was our first, well after my miscarriage last year on mother’s day) and the hardest part is sharing their joy…specially when they already had another child or two. The shopping mall experience is an everyday encounter….shopping malls being my office as a personal shopper and image consultant.
I listened to what you said in your message – that this isnt God’s will. I cannot help to ask, if it isnt then why didnt He do a miracle.
What hurts the most is that everything I believed in has been ‘proven wrong’, the lover of my soul didnt save my girl….I cannot say satan stole her coz the saviour is the one who lives in me, He guides me…He is almighty…then why… I know the scriptures – some just doesnt make sense or fall in-line with what happened.
I know this sounds all wrong via a letter – wish you could here my heart.
i cried so much this morning when you said you watched your girl die in your arms…no parent should ever ever experience this.
I am so so sorry for your lost….
For the past 13wks I have only been listening to my Bethel CD You make me Brave. I think Gia is singing in heaven coz all she ever heard was gospel (and me singing). How I miss spending every moment with her, speaking to her…shopping for her and preparing for her.
thanks for sharing your stories, you are such an encouragement. I hope that I can feel and understand His love again…I know He LOVES us, I just dont understand it right now…
Much love
Marilize Boshoff
Oh sweet girl…I am so so so sorry for your loss. I know how your heart breaks! I also know, the ONLY thing that’s going to put your broken heart back together is the one who created it…..and putting up permanent walls of mistrust keep Him from doing that. I’m so proud of you for being honest….and I promise you, HE CAN TAKE IT! Scream at Him if you have to! Throw punches! Get it ALL OUT Ask Him the tough questions! I wrote a series called ‘Why do we pray if nothing happens’ that I think will help put a few more puzzle pieces together.
I am so so sorry…..so very sorry. ):
xoxoxo, Christa
Thank you so much Christa; I will definitely read ‘Why do we pray if nothing happens’. I know that only HE can mend my shattered heart. I also received the DAY1 of GLU today – thank you. For the first time in 13wks I have found someone (beside my hubby) who gets my thinking, my heart and who speaks directly to my spirit-man with regards to this crazy unthinkable pain. THANK YOU xxxx
Much love, from the beautiful Cape Town City
Marilize
Hi Christa….I lost my beautiful baby girl on the morning your wrote this; i only saw this today. I also listened to ‘If God is good, why did my baby die’ this morning. I ‘use to’ speak, think and believe like you. I LOVE JESUS and I LOVE TO GIVE HIM ALL THE GLORY, but i dont know how….something died with Gia(her name means God’s graciousness). I live in South Africa and have kind of a public job (personal stylist, speaker etc); I dont have words, I use to but I dont now. Every single day all I ask and think about is why didnt He do a miracle…You knew my girl was going to die…Why didnt my prayers work? I prayed throughout my entire pregnancy etc etc…you know the story.
Most days I wish He can just blow the trumpets and come, so i can be with her.
I was pregnant with 6 of my closest friends (Gia was our first, well after my miscarriage last year on mother’s day) and the hardest part is sharing their joy…specially when they already had another child or two. The shopping mall experience is an everyday encounter….shopping malls being my office as a personal shopper and image consultant.
I listened to what you said in your message – that this isnt God’s will. I cannot help to ask, if it isnt then why didnt He do a miracle.
What hurts the most is that everything I believed in has been ‘proven wrong’, the lover of my soul didnt save my girl….I cannot say satan stole her coz the saviour is the one who lives in me, He guides me…He is almighty…then why… I know the scriptures – some just doesnt make sense or fall in-line with what happened.
I know this sounds all wrong via a letter – wish you could here my heart.
i cried so much this morning when you said you watched your girl die in your arms…no parent should ever ever experience this.
I am so so sorry for your lost….
For the past 13wks I have only been listening to my Bethel CD You make me Brave. I think Gia is singing in heaven coz all she ever heard was gospel (and me singing). How I miss spending every moment with her, speaking to her…shopping for her and preparing for her.
thanks for sharing your stories, you are such an encouragement. I hope that I can feel and understand His love again…I know He LOVES us, I just dont understand it right now…
Much love
Marilize Boshoff