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July 27, 2014

When You Want To Be Pregnant….And You’re Not

Both of our children were knit together in my womb during Bethel's Worship School in Redding, CA in July of 2011 and 2013.

83290884So naturally, because I'm looking for God to redeem the recent loss of our daughter Goldie, I thought getting pregnant while teaching at Worship School a few weeks ago would be the perfect icing on my redemption cake.  And according to my ovulation calculator app (oh yes, I have an ovulation app), I would be Fertile Myrtle on the exact days we were in Redding.

Which just happened to be our 7th wedding anniversary.

And we got married on 7/7/07.

In front of almost 70,000 people in Nashville at The Call.

And on 7/7 a few weeks ago, I was teaching my first Worship School class at 7 pm.

And the title of that talk was ‘The 7th Day: Working from Rest.'

And 7 is the number of completion and perfection.

I mean, come on.  How could anyone NOT hope and expect to get pregnant on that day with a story like that?

 

I bought a pregnancy test months ago just waiting for an opportunity to use it, and had calculated the earliest date I could take the test as July 19th—the morning I spoke at Jesus Culture Los Angeles.  I had it all planned out in my head, had the pregnancy test set out and ready to go in the bathroom the night before, and felt like a 5-year-old waiting anxiously for Christmas morning to finally arrive.

Surely I was pregnant with all the numbers, dates, and oddities lining up that way.  Surely this was going to be my ‘God redemption story.'

On the night of the 18th, Studhubs went out to hang with a few of his best friends that we rarely see, and I stayed in the hotel room with my sleeping Moses to go over my talk one last time before speaking the next morning.  But because I have a hard time going back to sleep if I wake up in the night, I decided to run to the loo one last time before slipping off into a sleepy coma.  I stumbled through the darkness into the bathroom, and after turning on the light, my heart sank into my stomach.

I definitely wasn't pregnant.  And disappointment fell on my shoulders as heavy as the weight of the world.

I crawled back into bed and curled up into a little ball as big crocodile tears soaked my pillow.  Oh Jesus, this hurts, I whispered.  I thought for sure this was how you were going to redeem this whole thing.  And with that, I proceeded to cry while feel sorry for myself under a heavy sadness that seemed more tangible than the blanket laying over me.

After about ten minutes of feeling like a victim, my heart heard a voice as clear as the night sky.

“Christa, do you want to know what I have to say about this whole thing?” 

I immediately sat up in bed, wiping my tears in the darkness.

Yes, Father. Of course I want to hear you!  

And with that, the God of the universe—who holds time in His hands—who sees the beginning and the end—who knows the full story before it's written—this God began to whisper to my heart, unfolding His plans for my life.   He told me how He knows exactly what we need to accomplish everything that's coming in our near future.  He promised me that He will knit more children together in my womb, and that He's strategic with the timing.  He talked to me about how my husband Lucas hasn't been ready to be pregnant again—how His heart needed more time to heal, and that there were things that I could do to help him heal.  He explained why it's dangerous to set my hope on things He hasn't told me—even when the circumstances seem good.  Even when they seem like God.   He told me how much He loves me, and reminded me that He does, in fact, work all things together for good.

And would I trust Him, the Creator of life, with creating more life in me?

 

I laid back into bed and pulled the covers up around my chin, a soft smile stretching from ear to ear.  I was a completely different woman than I had been just ten short minutes before.  Did I still want to be pregnant?  You better believe I did.  Did I still ache to carry life?  Of course—I'm a mother who just lost her child.  But this woman had heard from heaven, and in my sadness and longing, I was no longer a victim.  I was a woman of faith who had hope.

Romans 10:17

“So faith comes from hearing, and hearing by the word of Christ.”  (NAS)

 

The situation hadn't turned out exactly how I had envisioned.  I wanted to be pregnant again at Worship School because that's how it had worked with my first two children.  But maybe my vision had been blurry.  Maybe my vision had been filled with what I thought was best, as opposed to asking the one who knows what's best.  I hadn't asked God whether or not He was going to knit life in my womb on my 7th anniversary.  I had hoped for it without asking, and looked at everything lining up as a sign.  And when I'd finally stopped to listen, He told me things that He probably would have told me all along.

When I heard, my heart trusted.

When I heard, it sure was a lot easier to have faith.

 

There have been so many times in my life where I've wanted things to turn out a certain way, and been grossly disappointed when they didn't.  And many of those times, I never asked God what He thought. I never asked Him what He was doing.  I never asked if the enemy was involved.  Many times, I just looked at the situation and simply felt sorry for myself.  But in doing that, I wasn't acting like a friend of the King—I was acting like a servant.

“No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you.”    John 15:15 (RSV)

 

Beautiful one, we can be friends of God who hear.  In fact, we have access to the one who knows everything, because He lives inside of us!  Why in the world would we need a Counselor if we didn't need to be counseled through this life?  And when we do position our hearts to listen and receive, it sure is easy to rest.

In the past week since I heard God clearly speak to me, there have been moments where my vision returned to focus on the fact that I'm still not pregnant.  And every time that I do, grief wants to come and choke my heart with despair.  But all I have to do to move back into peace is to simply look up, and remind myself of the promises of God.

The situation that once overwhelmed my heart with lack begins to pale in comparison to how overwhelmed I am with the abundance of my King. 

 

xx,

CHRISTA BLACK_OFFICIAL

 

So dear friend, what situation do you need to hear from heaven about today?   Are you disappointed in a circumstance, but you haven't stopped to ask Him what's going on?  Have you stopped to listen to His whispers, letting the Counselor lead and guide you on this road of life?  If you're in a stressful or painful situation, stop right now and ask God what He sees.  Ask Him what He has to say about it.  Ask Him for a strategy.  Ask Him for peace that passes all understanding, to guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus.

And for those of you who want a soundtrack while surrendering, try this:

 

 

47 Responses to “When You Want To Be Pregnant….And You’re Not”

  1. Oh you just don’t know how my heart needed this TONIGHT! We lost our baby Josiah a year ago in July. We have been trying for 4 months now and every month my heart aches, I feel like a failure, and the tears…. No way they could be counted. Thank you for this moment of transparently… I needed to hear and see I am not alone.

  2. Jessilyn

    Oh you can’t know just how much I needed to read this tonight. We lost our first baby in March just a few days after you lost your little Goldie and have been trying for a few months. I was SURE this was the month…I had built it up in my mind, just as you did, and actually found out this morning, when I was even 2 days LATE (oh, hope of hopes!) that no, I’m definitely not pregnant. Thank you for sharing your heart and for being transparent…your journey has been one that I’ve followed so closely and it has been a big part of my healing journey!

  3. Lynnsay

    Christa, everytime I read your posts I think how much we relate through the loss of our daughters. After I lost Sadie in January I was given the go ahead by doctors to try again in April. I used my apps to figure out when I would be fertile and the estimated due date of this possible baby. Chills went over me when I saw that the possible due date was January 19th, the day I found out Sadie’s heart stopped beating in my womb. I thought “Wow, God what a testimony this could be” and worked up in my mind that this what would come to pass. However, the test was negative, just like it has been the past 4 months of trying. This has been hard for me to take since I have always gotten pregnant the first month of trying.
    But God has been speaking to me about His promises, His hope and His timing. And He is good.

    Thank you for sharing your heart Christa, it continues to bless mine.

  4. Heather Williams

    Christa, Keri, Jessilyn, Lynnsay lifting you precious mommas up!! Ever good & gracious Father, let your love & healing cover their brokenness. Let them feel life within them, in your time. Love to you all!!

  5. Eniola Abioye

    I am single. Waiting on the promise of being married. I feel like I have been wrestling with praying and believing rightly about the season I’m in and the desire of my heart. Reading this post has encouraged me and given me a place to begin praying from. Thanks for this post. It’s such a beautiful revelation of Hoping in Jesus. Love you, Christa.

  6. Christina G.

    Thank you for writing this and for all your speaking engagements. You touch my heart and open my eyes. Thank you for your tenderness and for loving all of us enough to share what God is doing in you. Even though I don’t know you, I love you and thank God for the person you are.

  7. Virginia

    Thank you so much for this one! We lost our little one last year in April and it has been a time of mixed emotions. We have been trying again for the last 5 months and disappointment has tried to sneak its way into our relationship and disrupt our peace but thank God for reminders like these. He has a plan! God bless you.

    • Christa Black

      He does! And there is peace, rest, and joy in the waiting!! Keep your head up….keep your ear against the heart of the Father—He’ll speak to you!

  8. Every time I read about your struggle and your sweet Goldie, my heart just aches at your pain. I went through the exact same thing last month and it’s so hard to have your heart broken over and over again. I have a suggestion for you, though. I know you’re a frequent flyer (flier? lol) on the CCM tour circuit, so you’re probably no stranger to child sponsorship. After my husband and I suffered the miscarriage of our daughter, we finally decided it was time to seriously think about child sponsorship. It’s a huge decision and commitment, but once that momma love has been multiplied, it’s hard to contain it… and you shouldn’t! We now sponsor three kids in India, and even though no one or nothing can replace our dear girl, sponsorship has brought tremendous healing. It’s definitely not a cure-all… I still have mornings where it hurts to even get out of bed because I miss our daughter so much (*ahem* this morning). But being able to love on these kids and their families has brought us so much joy and we’ve learned a great deal.

    Something to think about, I suppose 🙂 Stay strong, friend!

    • Thank you, BOTH! When you have a child, no matter for how long, love just multiplies infinitely. But when you lose that child unexpectedly and quickly it’s like, “OH no… what do I do with this?” My husband and I learned that instead of harboring that love and just letting it sit, it felt so much better to give it away, and to give it to families who need it. We consider these kids our kids – they are part of our family tree. And it feels so good to give that love to someone. Again, I’ll never tout sponsorship as a cure-all for this type of situation. Nothing can replace the child that you’ve lost. But it’s such an amazing learning experience! We sponsor through World Vision and they are incredible, but there are a TON of reputable sponsorship programs to choose from. The goal for us is to one day fly to India so we can visit our three 🙂

  9. LinetteSongbird

    Thank you for this!!! Our son Adam is just a smidgeon older than Moses and the age difference between Adam and the next baby is becoming increasingly bigger. My being anxious as well. We have been trying since Adam was 6 months old for baby number two and are rounding up to the two year mark of the great try. So many questions fill my heart. It only took 3 weeks to fall pregnant with Adam and this second one is just not happening. I had a major disapppointment this last month. I had ALL the symptoms and I was over a week late. My heart broke as a stared at that one stripe. All I heard was ‘my timing does not always make sense, but trust me’. After chatting to my husband, Ray, I realised it was in our best interest if I didn’t fall pregnant right away but after October instead. I was relived and filled with peace. Thank you so much for writing this. I feel encouraged.

  10. Brooke F.

    I have found it very, very difficult to hear from God in the last year and a half. I’m not even sure I know how to hear in such an intense season of grief. Maybe it’s because all I want to hear is, “Your husband, your family, will be whole again.” I’m just tired and I don’t know how I can do this for the rest of my life. Life has always seemed short until Zack’s brain injury. Now, it feels insurmountable and overwhelming to think about having the some responsibility of my family on my shoulders forever. What would God say? “You can do it!” Idk The very likely possibility of not having any more children because I have a husband and an almost three year old to care for, if my second biggest source of grief in this thing behind not having my husband be himself. Last month I didn’t go to one of my good friend’s gender reveal because I just couldn’t bring myself to be there. It was too painful.

    Sorry for the mini book. Thank you for sharing. This blog has been a blessing to me.

    • Christa Black

      Oh friend, I’m so sorry for your pain. I honestly can’t imagine.

      I know there is peace in the waiting, and hope for the uncertain, and healing for the pain. I know it.

      I’m compiling resources to help get our hearts to a place of wholeness—even while the circumstance is the same. And then, the circumstance becomes bearable as we wait for our miracles. (:

      Love you! xx

  11. Amanda Joy Baker

    Thank you so much for this, Christa! I always feel like I am laughing and weeping right along with you when you write and this was such a timely word for me. I have never lost a child but I have been longing for another child for about 3 years now (our son is 5) and God hasn’t given me or my husband a peace about trying. Right now seems like a good time but we still haven’t gotten that go yet and it’s easy to feel discouraged when it seems everyone else around me is having babies and having dreams fulfilled. I have been learning a lot about trusting God “in the process and in the waiting” and this was so helpful with keeping my perspective on Him and His timing rather than my own. Thank you again, and I am believing with you for more children and for God to continue His redemptive work in you and I. 🙂

    • Christa Black

      So great girl! It’s easy to look to the right and the left—to all the babies, blessings, and things happening to others around us! Two of my best friends are pregnant right now! And when those feelings come, I quickly readjust my focus to look up! The problem isn’t really a problem when you’re inside of it WITH the Solution—Jesus. (: Praying for you!!! xoxoxo

  12. Christa,
    Thank you so much for your honesty and sharing your pain with us. I needed this so badly. My husband and I will be married for 10 years and have been trying for a baby for 9 with no luck. We’ve been to countless doctor’s visits, prayed many prayers, been given prophecies of me being pregnant and yet I’m still not. This is not the way I had envisioned my life. I thought I would have all my children by 30, just like my mom. Now I’m 33 and not a mother. The pain is unbearable at times, but I continue on believing that His promise will come to pass. I don’t know His plan in all this, but I will really start to listen. I want to be a mother desperately. I know it will happen someday, in His time. But isn’t that the hardest thing to hear sometimes? Ugh, lol. It is true though 🙂
    Again, thank you 🙂

    • Christa Black

      Emily…..I just can’t imagine, and I’m so sorry. I’m going to be believing with you for the prophetic to release inside your body….for life to come forth where there’s been barrenness!

      Something I love to do when I get a word (because I just got one last week about my next children.) When the pain begins to surface–even yesterday, as I started to doubt and wonder ‘what if—what if I can’t get pregnant,’……..I reminded myself, very quickly, of the promise. I reminded myself what God had spoken. I bathed in it. I soaked in it. I let the truth of Father’s perfect will guard my heart and my mind in Christ Jesus—bringing peace that passed the understanding of my current situation.

      My pastor Bill Johnson writes out all his prophetic words and puts them on 3×5’s, carrying them everywhere he goes!

      Will be praying and believing for LIFE in your womb, sweet girl!!!!

      xoxoxo

  13. Brittney Strickland

    You’re an amazing writer! I could visualize your every moment described. Thank you for taking the time to speak to others in the midst of your grief… your tank must be feeling drained but you are so full of God that it just runs over onto all of us!
    I’ve been WAITING anxiously for a different test… one that will determine whether or not Cruz’s condition was hereditary… and I am told I should know in just under a WEEK! The part that’s not so great is… no matter what the results, the doctors will NEVER be able to give me the green light on more children. The two possible outcomes are: A. Yes, this is hereditary and you have a 50% chance of having another baby like Cruz every time you conceive, or, B. We didn’t find any significant evidence linking this to a hereditary disorder, but 90% of these cases typically are, so proceed with caution.

    I sit here and ask, GOD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? And for months now, I feel God has been silent. But can I confess something? I haven’t been reading my Bible as often as I should – barely at all actually. I feel so disoriented in my faith. But after reading your post, I know I need to JUST DO IT, even if I seem get nothing from the text. John 15:15 really spoke to me, perhaps I will start there!

    Thank you, Christa, you are SO anointed and God is using you in powerful ways:)

    – Brittney (@mycolonialreMODel)

    • Christa Black

      Oh sweet girl, I’m so sorry. Saw today you were waiting on tests and will be praying for peace, hope, joy, and for the miraculous!

      Something that helped me so much was just getting in the presence and letting Father speak words of life over me. Reading your Bible is AMAZING because Jesus is the living word….but meeting that living word who is a person was what got me through the rough days.

      Some incredible soaking suggestions: Laura Woodley’s cd Home. And Permission Granted by Graham Cooke.

      And the Jesus Culture message I preached last weekend is up online win their archives and I talk about this VERY thing—the ways we cut our heart off from intimacy because of disappointment. We’ve ALL done it….but there’s a way to invite the Healer into your very real, very present pain….where you’re walking with Someone. (:

      So love following your story and seeing your beautiful family online! Can’t wait to meet you someday! xoxo

  14. Crystal Gray

    Christa, Thank you for your words. As a mother who has lost 4 babies, and we haven’t been able to get since our last loss in 2008. It has not been easy watching others get pregnant.

  15. Thank you again for sharing your heart and the struggles you currently face. I felt like this was written just for me at this divine moment! I have been wanting to be pregnant so badly lately but every month, it’s a disappointment. My husband and I were separated during the birth of our first child and, since he returned home almost 2 years ago, it’s been my heart’s desire for us to get pregnant and restore what was lost when I gave birth to our first child without my husband being there. I’ve had so many words that we will have another child and that God knows my heart’s desire to have another baby and it was getting to be really hard on me when I would get my monthly visitor. But you have helped me to have hope again and go to the Father to ask Him what’s going on. Thank you for sharing your life with us!

  16. NZChick

    Loved reading this. It is just what I needed right now. My Husband and I have been trying to have a child now for 7 years…..so far with no success. Have been to doctors had tests etc and still nothing. In the past we have been given prophetic words about having children and people seeing pictures of us with babies etc….but those words almost mean nothing amongst the struggle it is becoming to try and conceive in the first place. Sometimes it makes me wonder where God is at in all of this….and although we know he has never left us, it pains our heart to have to be walking through such struggles and not seeing the miracles or words coming to pass. Thanks Christa for sharing so much from your heart, it really ministers to us.

  17. Zoe Nolan

    It’s scary how often your thoughts mimic mine (or the other way around?!), well generally the introduction part of your blog anyhow, haha! After that the wisdom is all yours.
    Thank you for so boldly sharing your inner thoughts and desires.
    We lost our little one in January, and I can relate so much to what you’re saying here. Praying for open ears to hear from God, I know He has the BEST plan for our family.

  18. lilbitrocknroll

    Wow. This is literally the exact word I needed to hear! We have two young girls and two babies in heaven. I loved what you said “I had hoped for it without asking, and looked at everything lining up as a sign.” This has been me every month for a year when my period comes again, looking for my redemption story. This encourages me to lean into what God has promised and trust that He will do it. I might still be sad if my period comes again but I won’t lose my hope. 🙂

  19. Ashley Burgess

    This post spoke to my heart so much. Although I am not in the same situation, there have been things that have come up that caused me to feel weary and powerless. I never fully understood how important and true Romans 10:17 is, how hope is found when he speaks. I never really stopped to actually ask God what was going on, I just decided that this was how it was going to be and felt like a victim to my circumstances. But now I feel like I have another tool, another way of regaining hope one that was there all along. Thank you for this post <3

  20. I am new to your blog, but needed this more than ever tonight. I had my first baby in February after a healthy pregnancy, but he passed away in April due to a severe heart defect. My arms ache because they are empty. I want another baby so badly and have been trying for the past few months. I am trying so hard to put my hope in the Lord and his sovereignty, not in another pregnancy. Thank you for reminding me to ask God what his plan is. I love knowing that I’m not alone.

  21. I just love reading your post. I truely understand everything you are going through. 11 years ago we lost our sweet daughter Camryn on the same day as Goldie to the same thing. It has been a long road but GOD has brought us closer to him. I was not ready for a baby and took along time to even think about it. Years past and GOD talked to both of us at diffenernt times telling us that is was going to be ok and try again. Sure enough we shared our words from the lord and was blessed with another beautiful girl.. Now her being almost 8 years old. Thanks for all your posts! Crazy thing is we both grew up and Abilene and went to school together. God bless you and thanks for sharing.

  22. I miscarried in 2009 & again last year. I started to believe that we wouldn’t have any more children. Today I’m 11 weeks pregnant. God’s timing is definitely not ours & I struggled with that truth a lot over this past year. Your posts have helped me deal with my losses. I pray redemption for you & your family.

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