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December 1, 2015

What Does Christian Sex Look Like? A Woman’s Perspective

It was the day before our wedding on 7/7/07, and Luke and I could barely keep our holy hands off of each other.

hqdefaultWe had spent a few days moving our belongings into a new apartment with bright pink carpet, dreaming of how this would be the place where sex would finally be ‘legal' as good Christians.  In between kisses and almost inappropriate gropes, we talked about where we were gonna do it, how we were gonna do it, and of course, how good we were going to be at it….pushing each other away to ‘cool off' since our bodies felt like Superman weakened by each other's sexual Kryptonite.

Up until that point, we had outlined a few rules to get us to the finish line.

NO TONGUE.  Why?  Because kissing with our tongues instantly made the lower half of our extremities explode like a nuclear bomb.

NO LONG FULL FRONTAL HUGS.  Why?  Because pressing our bodies up against each other made the lower half of our extremities explode like a nuclear bomb.

NO SEX SCENES IN MOVIES.  Why?  Because watching other people do what we wanted to be doing made the lower half of our extremities explode like a nuclear bomb.

Hormones raced around in our bodies like cars at the Indy 500, where one look from his blue eyes would turn my physical body into a pulsing mess, forcing me to cross my legs and quote scripture as distraction.

(Sorry, folks. This girl promised to start keeping it real.  And sex is very real—even for good Christians.)

 

From my Christian worldview….

Sex was wrongbut it was about to be right.

Sex was bad, but it was about to be good.

Sex was shameful, but it was about to be shameless.

Sex was worldly, but it was about to be holy.

 

(I start to walk down the astroturf aisle at about minute 1:37!)

As we finished our ceremony in front of almost 70,000 people on a football field in Nashville, Tennessee, kissing and hugging our family and friends goodbye, the two of us drove to our honeymoon Bed and Breakfast where we now had our parents, friends, and God's permission to finally get it on.  Luke reached over as a husband to put his hand on his wife, and instantly I felt the difference.

There was no explosion in my physical body.

Something was very wrong.

 

For the first year and a half (probably longer) of our marriage, being physically intimate with my husband was intensely painful for me almost every single time.  And when it wasn't painful, it felt more like two people shaking hands—which we all know that no one craves shaking hands for long periods of time.  It was as if a switch had been turned off with our vows, and the body that used to feel like a hormonal teenager now felt like a crippled mess, unable to work the way it used to.

And what poured out of my heart with this new reality?  Intense shame.  Shame for being broken, shame for not working the way I should.  Shame for being a bad wife.  Shame for being screwed up.  And because Luke knew sex wasn't pleasant for me, my beautifully kind husband stopped asking for it as much, not wanting something for himself that would bring the one he loved more pain.

But instead of feeling loved by him, what did I feel?  Rejection.  Which brought on more shame.

This part of my married life felt like SHAME, REJECTION, SHAME, CONDEMNATION, JUDGMENT, SHAME…..creating a distance that neither one of us wanted, but didn't know how to change.

 

SHAME is a feeling, and feelings aren't wrong.  But when you partner with and accept the feeling, you're always going to act on it.  

For the first year of our marriage, I became increasingly cruel in our home, pouring out bitter words and actions that were just a mirrored projection of how cruel and bitter I was at myself.  I lived angry at Luke, really just angry at myself and my body for not working.  The heart that beat with excitement for a new sexual world now beat with fear–fear of myself, fear of ever being healed, fear of always being broken……fear of my marriage never being what it was supposed to be…..because I wasn't who I was supposed to be.

 

Two years later, with sex being something Luke and I both saw more as marital duty than bliss, I was riding in the car with a world-wide, famous, beautifully pure worship leader.  She and her husband had both waited for each other until marriage, and her voice was recognized as one of the strongest voices in the contemporary worship movement.  As we rode in the car together and she gushed about her husband and how sexy he was, she looked out the window and said the last thing in the world I ever expected her to say….

“Man, Christa.  I love my husband so much.  And we sure do love to (insert shocking OH MY GOSH expletive).”  

I remember being so shocked at that word–and that it had come out of her little worship leader mouth–my hands tightened to clutch the steering wheel, eyes widened and glued to the road.  After at least 30 seconds of awkward silence, I finally mustered up the courage to say what my heart was dying to know…..

“Is that LEGAL?” I asked while peering over into her passenger seat.

She burst into laughter, looking over at me with the same purity I always saw from the stage.  From the same mouth that sang some of the most anointed worship songs the world has ever heard, she told me about her sex life, how powerful it was, how sexy she felt, how adventurous they were, how connected, and how much fun they had texting and sending pics to each other that they made sure their kids never saw.  My jaw dropped as the minutes rolled by, hearing all the things I thought that sinful word encompassed….like being sexy, sensual, and erotic….all the things that I still considered worldly, shameful, wrong, and bad.

 

You see, I grew up in a church culture that didn't tell me why God didn't want me to have sex before marriage–I just heard that it was sinful.  I heard how being sexy was wrong and caused men to stumble, so I had avidly practiced being the OPPOSITE of sexy for decades, attempting to make my clothes and actions appropriate.  I didn't learn why God wanted me to wait until I had a covenant around my relationship so I would be protected when all the ugly parts of my life came to the surface—I just heard that sex before marriage was wrong.

So what did I hear?

SEX=WRONG  

SEXY=WORLDLY  

SEXY=SINFUL  

SEX=BAD

My head and heart played this message for so long, my body believed it….down into my bones.  Even after I was married.

Proverbs 23:7  “As a man thinks in his heart….so is he.”

 

I went to the altar with an internal tape recorder that told my head how WRONG sex was….but from experience, that WRONG turned my body on.  And when sex was finally right, my body didn't know how to work.  I went to into my marriage bed trained to think sex was BAD….and that BAD turned me on.  When it was finally good, I didn't know how to function.  When watching a sex scene in a movie and finding my body aroused, I believed that my arousal was WORLDLY.  But I needed to be HOLY….so surely it was wrong to feel those worldly feelings.

In my head, purity meant….well….feeling nothing sexually.  So when I went to my pure wedding bed, my body felt nothing sexually.

 

WHERE DID I LEARN THIS MESSAGE?

For the most part, healthy sexual relationships had never been dialogued or displayed for me in a church setting.  I had never heard sermons about how it was right, I'd just been to loads of church camps that made sure I knew it was wrong.  But the silence about GOOD sex screamed a very loud message:

SHHHHHH….SEX IS SHAMEFUL.

It's wrong to talk about sex as a Christian.  It's private.  It's bad to talk about sex as a believer.  It's embarrassing and crass–until you have (maybe) three months of premarital counseling (if any).  Don't talk about sex….it's holy.

It seemed that the only voice in my life willing to talk about sex was mainstream culture…and they SCREAMED about how good it was.  They sang about it in pop songs, filmed themselves doing it in movies and television shows, uploaded home videos, used it to sell magazines and books, and portrayed it in photo shoots.  The world outside of the church was so excited about sex that all of them were having it, LOTS OF IT, and there was no shame for their behaviors.  In fact, they praised each other for having sex, talked about it with coworkers, friends, and family, and were proud of their bodies for being and feeling sexual!

 

But not me.  And not for scores of women that I've talked to.  For years before marriage, I hated my body for getting sexually aroused.  I despised it for being weak.  I condemned it for DESIRING sex.  I was angry at it for getting me into trouble as a good Christian girl, furious when it would get turned on before it was supposed to.

And the whole time, I hated my body for simply doing what it should—working the way God created me to work.

 

 

The problem with the church's silence about sex is that we're being silent about something that our God created–and He only creates good things.  

Sex is not worldly—it's Godly.  

Sex is not the world's idea—it's God's idea.

Being turned on and wanting sex isn't shameful—it's how God shamelessly created your body.

And pleasure is not bad—it's amazing.  

 

That day when I drove along years ago with my friend, hearing how much she liked to be sexy, sexual, sensual, erotic, aroused, pleasured, adventurous, and carefree with her husband in their very Christian bedroom, something shifted in me.  I realized that I had completely misunderstood what it meant to be holy and pure in my marriage bed—interpreting Godly sex to be boring, unsexy, unadventurous…..and very unappealing.

The only way I was going to find out how great sex was supposed to be in my marriage was to start thinking about sex the way God does…..

And He thinks it's a great idea….because it was HIS idea.

 

This blog is long, and there is much more to say.  So I'll leave us here for now….opening up dialogue and thoughts in the comment section.

(PS.  In light of the new 50 Shades generation, I have to say that in NO way am I talking about S&M, BDSM, or any kind of bondage, violence, or submission when I refer to sexy being adventurous.  It breaks my heart that I even have to make this disclaimer….but I do.  Alright…enough of that.)  (:

More to come.

 

xx,

Signature CBG

 

 

 

 

44 Responses to “What Does Christian Sex Look Like? A Woman’s Perspective”

  1. Candace Payne

    Girl. So on point. EVERY WORD. I struggled most after having my first baby in these thoughts. It’s amazing how an event that consecrates us to a whole notha level of obedience and providence in who God has created us to be (my example…becoming a mother) can also bring up such deep rooted shame and insecurity. I didn’t have a clue what to feel or do with my self after having my daughter. All of the sudden, my boobs were a food supply…not to be sexy and played with…my shoulders were for spit up…not for my husband’s gentle fingers caressing and traipsing along to try and get me in the mood. I had such a huge identity crisis that came from becoming a mom. Could I be sexy again? Ever? I was a mom now. Moms didn’t do that. There are many hidden things we believe. Not just tell ourselves. But believe. I had to completely learn truth all over. I’ve faced these thoughts and LOVE how you’re bringing them to light! Love! Keep it up. Looking forward to the next one on this topic. There really is a ton to say.

  2. You have no idea how much I needed to hear this. Even after being married 7 years (no kids, either), I still struggle with this mess. I’m curious though… Would Luke be willing to give his perspective? I think husbands genuinely want to help, but maybe don’t know how to, or know the right things to say.

  3. I’ve been married two years and have cried a thousand times. I cried my wedding night at the exact thing you described. Suddenly I wasn’t feeling like my lower half of my extremities were about to explode like a nuclear bomb. I knew that I was the problem. I knew that at some point it was wrong and all of a sudden I was supposed to feel like a seductress. Even now, my husband and I don’t have sex often because I just don’t know. I feel like I have failed him as a wife and a lover. No one ever prepared me mentally for this. No one ever prepared me emotionally for this. No one ever told me anything but no. Now? Now I constantly have to fight the urge to say it myself.

    • M – I read this blog when Christa posted it, and I’m rereading it tonight as I struggle with the same feelings of shame and inadequacy…yet again. I read through the comments hoping to find others who are in my boat. Thanks for sharing.

      • My heart goes out to you. I went through this for 11 years. It has only been in the last year that I’ve broken through. This came about when I received and believed in the truth of what Jesus accomplished for me on the cross and the value he places on me. I have no idea if you believe in God and believe that he loves you so much and that he doesn’t put shame on you but takes it off you!! As I allowed God to look at me in my shame and as I was honest about my past and present He started the process of releasing me and as I stood in the truth that I am His daughter and He loves me He brought me freedom. I would look in the mirror each day and thank God for His love, thank Him for the blood of Jesus which gives me righteousness before Him, unashamed. I thanked Him for making me a new creation and I thank Him for restoring me sexually. As I said those words and believed and trusted in restoration He brought it!!! I refused to live in regret of having ‘lost’ 11 years of intimacy with my husband but believed in God’s power to restore and He has. When thoughts and feelings tried to chain me to shame again I would turn my heart to God and thank Him again and refuse shame in my heart. Honestly I’ve been reawakened. Our sex life is growing and is beautiful. Take my testimony and lift it to God and ask Him to do this again and He will, my dear friend, He will!! Bless you.

  4. Lindsay Otis

    As a newlywed struggling with the same issue, thank you from the bottom of my heart for posting this. I am excited to read how you began to heal your issue because mine is still an open wound that is a sore subject for my husband. I know it’s all on me, our lack of sex but it’s such a brain issue that I haven’t figured out how to overcome. Thank you for being so relatable, especially in a Christian culture that seems to only talk about the how they have their stuff together.
    Linds @ Not A Mom

  5. Omggg This is soooo good! I got married a little less than a month ago and I had been finding myself lost in now suddenly having a sex life. There were tons of things church didn’t prepare me for lol and I had been fighting against feeling inadequate. This could have not come at a better time, you answered so many thoughts I had even so many of the scenarios I had been struggling with too. Thank you for being open about a topic many have been instilled not to freely discuss I love it and it’s what this generation needs. Love your blogs so much! Hoping you continue expanding on this topic 🙂

  6. I soooo needed this! I am a newlywed that is struggling with this because I too was brought up with that same background in the church…it’s been so difficult to be intimate when I “feel” so many negative things! Thank you for being so real and honest and vulnerable!! This NEEDS to be talked about!! Can’t wait to read more, keep it coming!

  7. Thank you Christa! I’ve been married 11 years and for much of this time I struggled with shame which lead to no sex and no pleasure. It almost broke me. I have an amazing husband who has stood by me all these years and loved me when I’ve felt useless to him. Sexual shame of my past held me captive for a decade of married life. I’m still in the process of renewing my mind about sex and my body is slowly catching up but it has been a loooong road! I did think at one point that I would have to leave the love of my life because I couldn’t function as a lover. I literally thought I would remain dysfunctional forever. I am passionate that no one go through this personal hell (I’ve even thought of writing a book about it!) and that Christians step up to the reality of this issue. I’ve been incredibly blessed to have a Godly, loving husband and a wonderful Christian friend who have walked this journey with me and remained by my side. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your story which will redo ate with many who’ve felt silenced by shame. Xx

  8. Vanessa Joy Chandler

    Absolutely wonderful! Thanks for being vulnerable and sharing. I am still single at 37, and feel that the church needs this message more than ever. I’m so passionate about it that my company is releasing a book soon on this very topic! 🙂

  9. Stacie Gp

    Thank you. As I read I cry out my dear husband of 20 years has been married to this kind of woman. While reading this I feel that new breath this awakening inside. I am so looking forward to reading more. I have always desired to be more open but freeze up because the good southern baptist girls are Ladies. That made me to the point of feeling dirty. Until today I didn’t recognize it for this I just felt wrong.thank you thank you

  10. Courtney F

    There aren’t enough thank you’s to say thank you enough!!
    My story is a bit different in that my husband and I didn’t wait. When we got engaged our guards went down and that extreme feeling overcame.
    I experienced the “no” side of sex. I expected it to always be as incredible, adrenaline rush as it was that time. But no, we said I do and were whisked away to our honeymoon and I felt immediate shame. Our family and friends knew what was going on, our pastor knew what was going on- and sex was shameful and dirty and wrong. A piece of paper didn’t change that. Our words to one another aren’t strong enough to cover the dirtiness that is sex.
    The first year of marriage was tough. Severe depression set in as i started believing we weren’t gonna experience joy in sex because of not waiting (maybe those that did wait didn’t feel the same shake attached?), I didn’t know because I couldn’t ask anyone. You don’t talk about sex!
    Eventually I talked about it with a dear mentor and with her sharing her newlywed struggles, we’re now 5 years in and getting the hang of it being ok to have a healthy sex life.
    I can’t wait to read more Christa! Thank you.

  11. Kat + Em

    Thanks so much for sharing this. I agree with you so much. After this ‘epiphany moment’ did your sex life change? If so, how? And for singles how can we embrace our sexuality while being single while not giving into sex. I’d love to know your thoughts!

  12. So, um, I don’t think this is a coincidence that I have just read what I have, on this particular day. You see, yesterday, I found myself at an Endcronilogist, getting my hormones tested, surely there must be something up with my hormones if I never, ever, desire sex, with my amazing husband, and confusion pours into my heart when I compare my “bc backsliding promiscuity” to “everything is pure and permissible now” being married and all. So I am doing a double take now, and praying about it, because even before Jesus, my sexual “life” started with abuse, enter my teens, rape, and a vicious cycle of bad stuff just carried on happening, until I was just a shell of a human, I used to think to myself and wish and hope “If I ever get married one day, I won’t feel shame anymore, I won’t feel guilt anymore, that is if anyone would ever want to be with me”. And exactly what has happened to you I am walking through, RIGHT NOW. Amazing. I think I am more amazed that you have written about this and how it is lining up with my life than anything else. Hopeful! Looking forward to more on this topic and trusting God for freedom and breakthrough in this area coz it’s still an open and gaping wound right now! THANK YOU CHRISTA!!!!!

  13. Christa do you see this? Do you hear it? The chains are falling.. Shame is being broken off. wdll done, good and faithful servant! Beautiful!!!!! I am 23 and my husband and I met in youth group and got married at 21. We have had an amazing community around us that really helped us understand sex. It was not easy at first as it was very painful for me as well- I felt feelings of shame and guilt and that I was a disappointment. But over time God has showed me practically that those negative thoughts affect me physically!!!! Praise the Lord for freedom and breakthrough!l as I learned how to press through and allow my soul to be at peace and rest.. And what do you know! Sex got less and less painful as I was more and more relaxed! I’m so thankful for my head pastor’s wife who made me blush in a Panera Bread whenever we would meet leading up to my wedding. She is to me, as you described your leader whom you had that life changing convo with. So thankful for that.
    As my husband and I are now youth pastors, I have prayed for someone wih a strong voice in the Christian world to speak out about the beauty of sex and intimacy. I think this article is going to ruffle some feathers. In the best way imaginable!!!! Thank you for being vulnerable!

  14. Jillian Dunlap

    I’m 18 and have been married for almost 2 months. Sex has been anything but easy in my relationship. I was blessed reading this! I didn’t wait for my husband, though the second I met him I hoped and prayed I could take back everything I had done before him. Sex is incredibly painful and it definitely feels more of a marital duty at times. I think that I equated sex with drunken mistakes that I could pretend didn’t happen once I’d sobered up and left the party house. After being engaged to my now husband it really hit me HARD that I wasn’t pure for him. I wasn’t what he deserves and I started hating myself more than ever before and I still find ways to push myself down everyday. As a “baby” Christian (I’ve only been in church for about two years and it has NOT been a pleasant experience) I’ve never ever heard anyone speak about Christian sex and what godly love making is, I didn’t and don’t have anyone to talk to about this. Especially because my friends aren’t Christians and I’ve just moved to a new state and don’t have friends here, I’m struggling with my marriage and my negative feelings about married sex. Thank you so so so much for sharing this! I look forward to hearing more from you.

  15. Madison Gross

    Every single word is exactly the thoughts that have been in my head for the last 4 years of my marriage, but I have been unable to get the words from my head to come out of my mouth. Wow! Papa just spoke so sweetly to me as I was reading your words. I have never viewed sex as a beautiful thing, it started with me being abused by a close family member at an early age. Then always being told that sex is a sin and never really being able to talk about it. It has always felt like a shameful secret. So many years of being frustrated and feeling so much shame and defeat. Sex, the amazing thing that Papa created to be so enjoyable between my husband and I has been a “duty” rather than a pleasure, but I believe that a shift has happened in me in reading your words, a healing has begun. Thank you so much for sharing this!

  16. I have been married to my babe for 15 years and we both waited and I can honestly say it was a brilliant decision for our sex life coming into our marriage pure, but it wasn’t always easy though. One thing that has been super helpful in our journey is to make a commitment to communicate and connect with one another about our hopes and expectations and desires. Having babies, sickness, moving house all can impact on our energy and desire but being able to talk about it, make a date together to set some time aside to play and have fun is all part of the journey to stop shame at the door. Also making a choice together to have a fun attitude in bed and learn to become experts of one another and have a good laugh when it goes wrong instead of shaming ourselves and each other. Man have I got some funny stories of things going wrong!!! We don’t just know how to be good lovers. Like being a Mama for the first time, it’s a skill, we learn from our Mamas, we read, we try something out and we figure out what works for us. Sex is no different. I may have saggier boobs and some extra padding after 3 kids but I am becoming a better lover every year. Embrace the conversation and let God heal anything that stops you from living free and whole in every area of your life.

  17. Ella Kilwake

    I am dating an amazing man and we are planning to settle down together soon. Being in love is beautiful, and I am enjoying growing in that way. But I have been struggling to suppress any sexual desire, and repenting for fear that I may be offending God. I am afraid that looking forward to having sex when I’m married will indicate that we got married for the wrong reasons. And I don’t want that.
    I even prayed that God would turn me “off” completely until our wedding night! …sigh… then I started worrying that once I’m married I won’t be able to work properly because I feel sex is shameful and should be had in minimal proportions even in marriage.
    I’m sad that I’ve carried this on my back for the 1 & 1/2 years I have been in a courtship! But I am glad to know that there is hope… I pray that God would calibrate my mind back to “default Settings” for His glory and the healing of my perceptions on this thing sex!
    I feel much better!
    THANK YOU CHRISTA!
    Project sexual Healing…. Loading… 😉

  18. Natacha Ramos

    Hi, Christa.

    I’m single and I’ve struggled with that same mindset you talked about:

    “In my head, purity meant….well….feeling nothing sexually”.

    I can’t believe how I’ve allowed myself to think that way. Maybe it is what I’ve been taught throughout the years and I don’t want to bring it with me when I get married.

    Thank you so much for being so open.

    I have a blog as well and I hope to help others just as you’ve helped me.

    Sometimes while writing I wonder, “Should I be this open about my struggles?”; but if I can do for others what you just did for me. Men, I’m willing to risk it all.

    “Thank you” is not enough but I can’t find something better so: thank you so, so, so much!

  19. Christa Gomez

    Hi Christa! Im 21 years old. Single, currently dating no one yet. But still i get sexual arousals. Can i get a word of advice for single women about these because in our church, we do not tackle them too. Like what shall we do if we get aroused like what you said? Thank you!

  20. Hannah Renee'

    Finally. Finally. Finally. I’m 21 and single and feeling like I’m not able to be a “sexual being” until I’m married. Thank you for being willing to talk about taboo topics. I’ve struggled feeling like I wouldn’t really be able to talk about sex until pre-marital counseling, which I always thought was too late in the game.

    Also…in terms of sexting in marriage, I’ve heard two different sides whether it was permissible or not. Some have said that its not healthy because sex is about connection, not self-pleasure, and that by looking at a picture of your spouse its not “really them”.

    Also, what about masturbation within marriage…either done alone or together?

  21. Christa- you have almost described my life for word for word on this subject. Only in the last year has God been breaking me free from the bondage that enslaved me into believing sex is shameful and therefore enslaving my own marriage. I am so grateful you have spoken boldly on this subject…as you said, God created it and it’s something that unifies a husband and wife, but when shame is involved, it disunifies. I have a feeling your voice will break a lot of shameful chains.

  22. Carlie Duplechin

    Hi Christa,

    I’ve been following your blogs for a couple of years now and absolutely love reading them, as well as “God Loves Ugly.” This comment isn’t in regards to your recent blog, but I just wanted to share something with you. I love seeing your kiddos’ pictures on instagram and see they Moses and Birdie are traveling a lot these days! 🙂 I saw this luggage on a talk show this morning and totally thought of you! It’s kid’s luggage that converts into a scooter. Genius, right? I’m not affiliated with this company and am in no way trying to sell you anything. But I wanted to share it with you because I thought Moses would love it, hehe.

    http://www.microkickboard.com/steve-aoki-micro-luggage

    Anyway, I hope you and your family have a very Merry Christmas and a joyous holiday season. Thank you for all you do!

    ~Carlie

  23. Nathana Kauffmann

    CHRISTA!!!
    My goodness!! Thank you for breaking the silence!
    This is bringing me so much freedom. Being in an amazing marriage with an amazing Mr I did not feel free with sex. From a history of being deep in pornography it made everything sexual bad. I recall a moment (during puberty) when in church being told that the top button of my shirt needed to be closed or my jeans were too slim fitting. All this came at a time when my body was developing as a woman making me feel ashamed of my (new womanly) body.
    *Not to say let it all hang out* but It spoke lies which said BEING SEXY OR YOUR FIGURE WAS A DANGEROUS THING!
    How was I supposed to take a what was deemed ‘naughty/dangerous’ into a holy union?
    Mr and I made the mistake of unleashing the nuclear bomb and even more shame-condemnation-judgement followed. Even after being forgiven, sex was still felt like a bad thing.
    This rejection and shame was plastered in every thing deemed sexual.
    In our 4 young years of marriage you’re the first person to bring sexual freedom into the light.
    Me and Mr are sat here just receiving freedom from the lies that have been installed in us.

    THANK YOU FOR BEING OPEN AND VUNERABLE!

    I agree with Ella Kilwake…bring on Project Sexual Healing!

  24. LauraB1186

    So good Christa! Is it bad that I’m trying to guess which worship leader that was? Haha! I can’t help it, I’m curious. Forgive me. Haha! 😛
    I’m so glad that in my pre-marriage counseling our pastor as been so open with us about sex (not TMI levels but still). For instance, when I asked about stress management for my fiance when we’re married he said “sex helps with that”. He also mentioned how it gets better. I later learned it’s his heart to preach a sermon called “sex in marriage: a glimpse of heaven” but the board won’t let him yet.
    My fiance and I felt convicted to not kiss before marriage, but we do hold hands, kiss each other on the cheek and are all around affectionate with each other. Whenever sex gets mentioned I really make sure it’s talked about in a way that portrays married sex as wonderful gift, and we don’t really talk about the struggle to not do it. Gives the devil too much glory and he doesn’t deserve it. It’s like trying to say “when it happens(when we’re married), we will learn, be one, and be free, nothing holding us back. God doesn’t want us held back.” One thing I read in a pre-marital counseling book is to “kick out other people from your bedroom”, meaning get all the voices in your head telling you you can’t be free with your husband. That relationship is the only valid place for sexual fulfillment, don’t let anyone get in the way of that! They’re not in the room with you, so kick them out. I think the same applies with any shame felt from the church. Oh man, the Lord wants us FREE from this stuff. I want to be a part of breaking off the shame and taboo about talking about sex in the church. Not in a way that would put my bedroom activities with my hubby on display, but would have a dialogue, honesty, freedom and truth. Women need to know as well as men how their minds and bodies connect with their spirits. So glad my mom raised me to not be ashamed about sex, and informed me about it. So glad the Holy Spirit has worked in me to heal the shame aspects. He’s still working and refining. Thanks for sharing this Christa! I watched you get married and everyone’s eyes were drawn to you! 😀 I know I’ve mentioned that half a dozen times but whatever. 😀

  25. Farrah Land

    This was so strang and awesome at the same time! I was at the call and your wedding! I thought it was beautiful! I just got married this year and the same thing kinda happened to me! The switch off when we said our vows. Sex was painful at first but then got better. It does feel different at times but like you said it feels like strangers and not as many feelings going on like before we were married. I deal with rejection and not feeling good enough or excepted. I also have a hard time being away from my husband and feel like I’m getting left alone. I have a fear of abandonment because it’s happened before. I’ve been very mean and moody since we’ve been married and it’s causing a lot of depression at times. Any suggestions of how to move on and get better??

  26. Anonymous

    Thank you for posting this! I’m looking forward to all you have to share. I hope this will include advice and help for us single gals who are (super tired of) waiting for their husband and trying to handle their sexual desire. I’m going to be 30 soon and I’ve feeling like I’m going to explode for a while now! Waiting is hard, especially when you’re trying to ignore those thoughts and feelings that wanting to have sex brings!

  27. Well I like pie, and also this post, I’m surprised you never asked the question “why” when it came to sex, I know it’s good, I know it must be amazing, why else would everyone of my non-believer friends be insisting on me doing it, and all the religious people insisting I don’t. I’m yet to enjoy it but I look eagerly for the day that I’ll have a woman to call my own aka a wife, whom I can make love to in all sorts of ways. Also I’ve had oral sex, the first 2 times were lame, 3rd onward were amazing, so I know that real sex must be better so oh my goodness it’s going to be epic, and so worth the waiting. Great post by the way, you were very descriptive and I loved just reading it let alone the message you were revealing things on. I love that you and your hubby can now start exploring the wonderful world of sex and enjoy it together like you’re suppose to.

    I read someones post saying she didn’t want her marriage to be just about the sex (@ellakilwake:disqus), well for me the easiest way to figure that out is to admit “YES I WANT IT” now, what else do you want? Whether sex is the main reason for marriage or not, who’s to say those other things aren’t close behind? If sex was the only reason then there’s room for concern, but if it’s just one of the reasons, even if it’s the main reason but there’s still more that are seen very important as well, then I’m sure you can put your mind at ease. Besides they say it’s better to marry than to burn with desire right? Basically better to marry and have sex than to just have sex… so it’s not wrong to marry only for the sex, but it’s better if there’s at least a few more reasons than just that. 😉

    P.S. if you’re not kinky and you love vanilla stuff that’s all good, me personally, I’m a little kinky and curious on the bdsm thing, there’s worse things than a little bit of pain in the bedroom, honestly, look up blood play, needle play and age play, and you’ll realize, 50 shades is actually pretty tame lol… that said it’s not everyones cup of tea, and being content that your special someone might or might not be into it is especially important.
    I can tell the lady who posted is obviously not into it, I feel like she was discriminating against those that are, but I figured if she’s going to mention something about it, then I will too… at the end of the day, consent is a major thing in those circles and they take it very seriously.

  28. Jessica rice

    Christa, my friend Savannah Rowland pointed me in your direction and can I just say a HUGE thank you for your honesty. Every word you’ve written is like reading the diary of my own heart and marriage struggles. I wept on my honeymoon because no one had every been so open and honest with me about how hard sex was going to be. I came back a bit scarred and very fearful and began talking to all of my newly married friends, to long married friends and to friends about to get married. So many of them said they were so thankful for such intimate honesty and while I knew it was a mass struggle I didn’t know how long it would take or how deep it would make me go to see the other side. Your words have brought me great comfort, great challenge and I’ve been sharing them with so many of my friends who feel alone in this battle for intimacy. So Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I can’t wait to read a follow up!

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