Here I am….laying in this hospital bed at 4:28 am, listening to the beeping of my heart monitor, and the treasure of my daughter's heart beating loudly through the speaker beside me–believing with every fiber of my being that both hearts will continue to beat, despite the amniotic fluid that began leaking out of my womb today.
This morning started off like any other day, waking up to my son Moses wanting good morning cuddles, then heading over to Gold Monarch Healing Center to pour into some beautiful guests who had flown in from Canada and all over the United States. We had already seen incredible miracles as hearts were being bound up and put back together, then manifesting in the body. One beautiful friend had her cutting scars DISAPPEAR during her HeartSync session when God healed her from the emotional scars, giving her smooth, new skin. Another friend had asked Jesus for rain, and as it poured strangely from the Texas sky in June, we all laughed and watched as she ran outside to play in the downpour–soaked in the new joy rising up from her new heart being healed. Tonight as we all ate out on the patio and I told the story of Gold Monarch, just as I said, “And as we were walking along, a Monarch flew in front of us and I said, “Mom, what if we call the healing center ‘Gold Monarch?'–and just as I told the story, as if on cue from heaven, ANOTHER monarch nose-dived into the center of our table as we all gasped and laughed in awe and wonder.
God has been showing off all week–and I know He's going to continue to show off in this strange pregnancy situation.
This afternoon, I began leaking fluid. Didn't think much about it but went to get checked anyway, and it looked like there was no rupture. But as I went back to teach my class tonight, I felt more fluid release, then heading to Labor and Delivery to get checked out since I'm only 31 weeks.
And that's when it was confirmed–I've ruptured….. and aside from a miracle, there is nothing manmade that can stop it.
As I laid in the hospital bed earlier this evening, hearing the news that this is the bed where I will lay on my back until my daughter is born, I literally haven't left the realm of peace–not for one single second. Everything I have learned this past year in the loss of my daughter, Luca Gold–it's working, and I've built up so much capacity for intimacy and relationship inside my heart, there's just not much room for fear–even with the IV's, the beeping, the contractions that come every 3-4 minutes, and the diagnosis.
I have found a place in the heart of my Father where peace is always available–and because I'm locked into intimacy, I never have to leave this place. I have found that happiness is circumstantial, but joy is relational, and I NEVER leave relationship with the Trinity who made their home inside.
As I laid here tonight worshiping over my womb, I looked up and saw the face of my Father. He was hovering to my right, head leaning down to kiss my forehead as He played with my hair. I felt Him say that this time, as I stayed with Him in intimacy, in rest, and in the presence, He was going to fight for me. This wasn't the time to war and declare. This wasn't the time for fervent prayer. This was the time when He wanted me to be His little girl, tucking in close to His heart–as He went to battle for my little girl.
I get to war from a place of peace—and worship.
I get to fight from a place of victory–not towards it.
I'm on a magnesium IV to help slow down the contractions, and got steroids to help develop her respiratory system because her lungs don't really get going until 32 weeks–a week away. So now, it's just a waiting game. But every day she cooks inside of me, it's 5 days she won't be in the NICU, so we're hoping she stays in there until at least 35 weeks…..or full term!
Here's what I'm believing for. I'm believing for every drop of fluid lost to be restored–supernaturally. I'm believing she's going to confound statistics and that this pregnancy would end with miracle after miracle. I'm believing in the greatness of my God–the One who heals all diseases, all infirmities, and all sicknesses–restoring life from things lost. I'm believing for my Redeemer to show off a bit and do what He does best–make all things new.
I'll take your prayers of they're filled with faith and not panic–because I'm not panicking. We've been told by God that this little girl will restore our song, and that's exactly what she's going to do. And though these aren't the circumstances I would have chosen to get her into my arms, as long as she ends up in my arms healthy and alive, I'm good to go.
How could I possibly be afraid when the Healer lives inside of me? How could I leave peace when the Prince of peace reigns over me?
My new book–the one about learning how to thrive when all hell comes at you, because heaven lives inside of you—it's almost finished and turned into my publisher, Zondervan, in a couple weeks. (And for those of you who keep asking, that's the reason I haven't been blogging!) And man oh man….is this one gonna be good. I know the authority on my life to release healing in the midst of deep pain, and nothing….NOTHING will stop that message from going forth. NOTHING that comes against my family will prosper. NOTHING that rises up against me will take us out.
I am a daughter, in the arms of my Father. And He gets to fight this battle while I rest in Him.