March 19, 2017

Urban Cowboy

I've never been much of a girls-girl. 💁🏻Maybe it started in elementary school when the older girls started making fun of me for wanting to join them, compounded by years of backstabs & betrayals. Maybe it grew deeper as I spent my 20's and early 30's as the only girl on tour buses full of men…becoming the “buddy-asexual-type” to make sure their wives and girlfriends weren't threatened that another woman was sleeping in a bus bunk right next to her man. Or maybe it deepened as I was a female venturing into a male church-speaker-world….preaching more like a high school football coach barking commands because A) a large percentage of the evangelical church doesn't even believe I'm allowed to speak & teach men 😳, and B) I've been groomed for decades that it's MY sole responsibility not to ‘make men lust and stumble,' so I can't be TOO beautiful or they won't listen to me from the platform because they'll be too busy picturing me naked. 🙀 (sorry folks, keeping it real). Somehow along the way of life and pain, my femininity was seen as a burden instead of my glory—an obstacle to overcome instead of a truth to embrace. 😥But as I sat in on the @darling retreat last night while @bykaraelise taught enneagram, I longed to know what it felt like to be many of the women in that room…so deeply in love with each other that they would create a conference JUST to work together, or travel in just to sit together as they learn deeper self-acceptance and femininity. If you haven't noticed, I'm not speaking much this year. In fact, I've said no to all but 3 events. I'm tired of going into the church world with a bundle of masculine energy, trying to be LIKE a man just so I'm a pill everyone can swallow. I'm to the point that I can't swallow myself. This year, as two daughters are looking at ME to teach them what it means to be a woman, I have to finally embrace being a woman WITHOUT JUDGMENT. I have no roadmap. I have no plan. I'm surrendering each day to the magnificence of the FEMALE HALF of God—the half that I've been made in the image of. I have a feeling something really beautiful will bloom from this divine feminine exploration. ❤Who's ready to go with me? ☺

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