October 24, 2017

Pink Eye Blues

I have pink eye. ???? And I look like someone punched me in a bar fight and then poured salt in the wound. I've caught myself staring at my reflection several times today, waking up to the nuclear bully bombs my mind throws at my imperfections. “You're so ugly, Christa. You look so old. You're so embarrassing, Christa. No wonder your husband wants to leave the house to go work.” ???????? When I wake up to my crazy thoughts, I notice they always bring along their nasty friends…friends who bomb my inner heart with a plague of feelings: inadequacy; fear; sadness; shame; rejection. ???? <THOUGHTS—>FEELINGS>. Today as I stared at myself, becoming CONSCIOUS of what was happening…I took a deep breath, stared deeply into my nasty, puss, puffy eye….took control, & spoke out loud. ???? “Christa, I have abandoned you so many times when I didn't like you. I have judged you, left you, & pushed you away when I didn't like how you looked. When I didn't like your pain. When I thought you weren't enough. When I didn't like your sicknesses, your wounds, your actions, your imperfections. I've schemed at how to change them, fix them…fix YOU. But Christa, don't want to fix you. I want to BE with you…THIS YOU, with puss filled eyes and all….because it's who you are and where you are at this very moment. And she always deserves LOVE. I won't abandon you anymore, especially when you really need me. I will care for you today. I will make choices to nurture you. I will be kind to you, and see you today through the trust in my heart…& not through the lens of my pain. Don't worry, Christa. I'm not going anywhere. I won't abandon you anymore.” ❤️????????. I spent a lot of years begging to feel God's love. But I'm finally finding that the fastest way to receive divine love is to simply agree with the nature of it….that I'm worthy of love no matter what. ❤️ (expect more of THIS from me. Self love. Raw acceptance. Radical grace. Mama is finally embodying what she's preached for a very very very long time.) ???????? #instablog#iamenough

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