October 24, 2017

Does This Little Girl Deserve Punishment?

I found this picture of myself at my parents house recently, staring at it with tears puddling up around my green eyes. My little face was so angelic, so pure. I am so beautiful, so perfect. I’m not dirty or defiled, disgusting or bad.  I am innocent.
The problem is, when your little 2-year-old body is touched sexually in defilement, and then you are told you deserve to be punished and locked in a closet because of it….terrified, alone, abandoned to drown in your feelings of violation….you start to believe the wounded people who hurt you and the feelings that come after trauma.
How could I not believe them?  I wasn’t an adult who understood I had choices….I was a toddler learning the rules of life.
I am bad.  I am defiled.  I am disgusting.  And I deserve to be punished and abandoned because of it.
My mom said she never took me back to their house, knowing something was wrong when I clung to her tightly, fingernails digging into her neck with fear. But the damage had been done, the wound had gone deep, the tiny heart had been broken.
And for decades, my heart didn’t believe it could ever fully heal from that moment long ago.
I have put this picture on my phone as my screen saver, staring at it many times every day. When I open my phone and look at my innocence, I move into my heart, breathe deeply, and feel the scared little girl inside. I stare at her and tell her she is safe now, that she has nothing to fear. I tell her she was and is innocent, pure, and always loved and adored. I tell her that it wasn’t her fault, that she didn’t do anything wrong. And that she doesn’t deserve to be hurt, punished, and abandoned.
The more I decide to stop hurting, punishing, and abandoning the innocent little girl who still lives inside my wounded heart, a funny thing happens. She starts to believe a new voice….MY voice. She is listening to my whispers about how she is so loved and adored all day long, and she FEELS it. She is experiencing the nurture of my mothering heart, FEELING protected and safe.
Do you have a child who lives in your broken heart that you have neglected, abused, blamed, and hated? ???? If so, could you learn to see innocence today?

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