October 24, 2017

Committing to myself

When I got married, I had no idea what a loving commitment really was.
In my mind, it meant that I had finally found the man whose unconditional love had committed to finally “fix me.” His devoted love was going to heal me, being the medicine that cured all my childhood years of rejection. His unrelenting affection was going to make me whole. ????????
But when Lucas's love didn't fix, heal, & complete my heart over the years, I got angry. Volcano angry. Angry at him. Angry at me for being too broken. Angry at God for, once again, promising something that seemed out of reach. ???? When you put your hope in the love of another to make you whole—when you make someone in front of you your savior—you suffer deeply the longer salvation doesn't come. And dear Jesus, I know what it means to suffer…& cause suffering. ???? When we got married 10 years ago, I had a job and Lucas didn't, so I bought my wedding ring..& the diamond wasn't real. So for a decade I've worn something that looks real but wasn't. For 10 years I've worn a ring that represented a marriage I thought would save me from deep self hatred. A ring that was supposed to make me feel wanted & cherished & adored & valued.
But the problem is, I had never vowed to really want, cherish, adore, and value myself. ????????
Yesterday, it was time to get a real ring with a NEW vow. A vow to myself & my ❤️. “Christa, I promise to love, honor, and cherish you. I vow to love you when you feel emotionally crazy AND when you are changing the world. I vow to have radical acceptance for where you are today, committing to never abandon you, no matter where you are on your journey. I promise to always be kind, to speak to you with grace, to hold you close when you cry, and to celebrate every inch forward. I won't criticize you, but will encourage. I won't judge you, but will be gracious. And Christa, I commit to being your loyal best friend, with deep love and intimacy, until you breathe your last earthly breath.” ???? It sure is hard to commit to loving others unconditionally when you haven't ever really committed to unconditionally loving yourself. But finally, at 39, I made the right covenant FIRST…the covenant to love all of me. ❤️

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