October 24, 2017

Choose Your Anger

I have always hated my anger.
‘Angry Christa’ was a part of my personality who lived deep inside my heart, & I never knew when she was going to rise up like a volcano and explode on the people around her, people she loved the most.  She emerged for the first time as a small girl, exploding with anger when her three friends decided she wasn’t cool enough to play with anymore. In blind rage, she jumped on her pink Huffy and rode after them, scraping her tire on the back of the ringleader’s leg and shredding the flesh in retribution. Since that time, I have always been afraid of angry Christa. I’ve always been a little nervous that things might make her mad enough to erupt and take over, so I’ve controlled life and people to help keep her buried inside. I’ve always been ashamed of angry Christa, hopeless that she could ever really go away.  But mostly, I have hated her, despising the toxic, angry part of my heart that has ruined the relationships I want the most. ????
Someone told me a story yesterday, of a Japanese soldier who fought in the jungles of the Philippines for 29 years AFTER the war had ended. He didn’t know it was safe to lay down his weapon and come out of hiding. He didn’t know he didn’t need to be on high alert anymore, and that his reasons for guerrilla warfare were now gone—that he could be at peace. ????
Like a lightbulb illuminating that exploded light into every cell of my body, I realized that angry Christa has been just like that soldier. The war has been over for a long time, but she has been inside the jungle of my heart hiding—believing life is still unsafe and that she needs to fight.
I cried a lot yesterday, realizing my anger had just been trying to protect me for decades. The angry part of my heart was doing the best she could, fighting to keep me safe from more pain. In deepest gratitude, I thanked angry Christa for her years of service, for her fighting, for following orders. & then, in deepest love and thankfulness, I told her she was safe to put her fists down, take off her soldier uniform, and find peace.
When we make peace with our inner selves, the war has to end. I feel the deep peace of a lifelong war that ended. ❤️

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