Abandonment. My truest, deepest, longest fear. *
To be adored and then abandoned by those that I love….a reoccurring pattern throughout my 39 years of life. Tale after tale of friend leaving me for another when old wounds would naturally emerge. Mentor after mentor who would use me for my gifting but not know how to handle my hurts. Love after love who would give me their heart, then seem shocked when they discovered my heart had broken bits. *
I have had good reason to believe abandonment exists because it HAS. So to cope with abandonment (& my fear of it), I developed some special skills for “self-protection.”
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“STAY NEEDED, CHRISTA. Make them dependent on you, Christa. Be their answer. Be their savior. Be their healer. Give give give to get get get. THEN they will need you. & if they need you….they won't leave you, Christa.” ????????
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It's absolutely possible to do the right things laced with the wrong reasons. But it's always at the expense of your freedom. ????
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And dear Jesus I want to feel free. ????????
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This year I began to feel all the emotions inside of my ❤️that I had lived to avoid.
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I turned toward my fear of abandonment and I had to walk TOWARDS it. INTO it. ❤️ I stopped abandoning my fear of abandonment.❤️ I FELT its existence within me. And I sat down in my fear, & I cried. And I felt the sadness. And all the grief. I felt how heavy it was to carry this fear, and how tired I was avoiding the contents of my heart. *
And friends, a funny thing happened (& is happening)—I didn't die when I felt abandoned like I had always feared. I didn't kill over. In fact, the opposite was true. *
I felt relieved.
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When you finally stop abandoning yourself and the content of your heart—whatever your heart may carry—you begin giving yourself the nurture, healing, & care you've always wanted. *
You become like Christ—giving yourself what has already been put inside you. ❤️ Today, I give my fear of abandonment understanding. Patience. Loads of grace. And friendship. And with every gift of love, a little more fear floats away. ❤️ #instablog