After turning in my next book proposal to my literary agent a few weeks ago to pitch to publishers, in a meeting with my agent yesterday, she said unexpected words that I hadn't expected to hear:
And as the words came from her lips, and twisted into my ears, all I heard her saying was, “Your daughters death, life, and how she's teaching you to thrive inside of pain isn't important enough to publish for people to read.”
Every day since Goldie died in my arms on March 5 of this year, I've been wrapped safely inside the most fluffy, tangible, perfect down Comforter named the Holy Spirit. And this blanket has been wet from sobs and snot, bloody from wounds that gaped wide, tightened up close to keep me dry inside the storm of my life, and laid out in the sunshine to begin the healing process. This blanket called the Comforter has swaddled me up like a baby, keeping all the broken pieces of my shattered heart in one place while the Healer puts them all back together.
Pain isn't destroying me like it has in the past. Pain is actually teaching me how to heal.
As long as I have breath, I will teach the broken hearted how to be put back together and made whole. This story that I've been entrusted with in the life and tragic death of my daughter is the most important story of my life—especially since every person I've ever met has been smashed and beaten up by the wrecking balls of pain. Unfortunately, many stay wounded (especially Christians), hiding their hurt behind mirages of perfection and performance, having no idea how to be vulnerable and heal. Wounded Christians are bleeding all over their families, their churches, and a desperately hurting world. And because the church remains filled with broken people trying to hide their dysfunction, the wounded never heal, and as a result, the world doesn't want the Jesus we're offering them.
Because we haven't allowed the real Jesus to heal us first.
It's my life mission to lead hearts to the only One who can bind up their brokenness, love them into wholeness, and lead them into lasting freedom, peace, and joy.
After hanging up the phone yesterday and hearing how two companies had passed on my book, swirling with emotions that needed to be tamed with truth, I stopped, took a deep breath, and did the very thing I wrote about in Monday's blog. I pulled my Comforter blanket tightly around my hurting heart before the poison of rejection could sink its teeth in and do any damage, curled up in my Father's warm lap, and asked my beautiful Jesus a few very important questions:
What do YOU say about me, Father—not the two publishing companies that didn't want my book…..
What do YOU say about my daughter, my ministry, and my future?
What do YOU say about the hours I've spent pouring over these pages, crying out to you for wisdom, clinging to your presence as you coach me through the chapters, painting a clear pathway for me to teach your broken hearted kids how to heal, be restored, and transform inside of their pain?
What are YOU doing in this process, Father? Is this rejection, or is this protection?
And as I took my eyes off of what I thought was a problem, looking UP into the eyes of my Father, He began pulling back the curtain and revealing what He was up to. I closed my eyes and saw my head rest against His chest, feeling Him lean down and put His lips on the top of my head, kissing the little girl who felt like she hadn't been picked for kickball on the playground.
He told me how proud of me He was. He told me how much He appreciated the time, tears, prayers, and sacrifice that I put into crafting a book that can teach His kids how to heal as I am healing. He told me that I'm starting to look more and more like Him—because He burns to see hearts restored to the wholeness He provides. He reminded me that He's the one in control of this entire process—and that He shut the doors that didn't have what I needed on the other side—planning to open the right doors that contained an incredible future full of hope. He said that each word that I'd already written were far more important to Him than they were to me—because He holds the hearts of the hurting every moment, wiping their tears day by day. He hears their cries for help, for freedom, for release from the pain. He told me of His plans for this book that I'm writing—and how He's already scheming to get the words of breakthrough into the right hands. He showed me the anointing on my life—and reminded me of words spoken over me a decade ago—that there's a healing anointing released when I open my mouth, and that captives are set free when I pour out what He's placed inside.
Within 10 minutes inside the lap of my Father, I didn't feel rejected anymore—in fact, that rejection had been used to my advantage, driving me further into the arms of the solution. I felt empowered. I felt confident in what my Father was up to. How could I be wounded by doors that had closed for my book if my Father was the one who had closed them?
Rejection was actually protection—and I felt safe.
Everything shifted when I heard. Everything stopped swirling when I saw. Everything in me believed after the Counselor had spoken—pulling me in closer to wrap His little girl a little tighter inside my Comforter blanket.
Dear friend, you cannot fail today if you understand what is available to you in Christ. You have never served a distant God far off into the sky. You have a Father who holds you so close. You have access to the depth of relationship that your heart has always longed for, satisfying every craving. You cannot feel defeated with a Counselor ready to reveal the mysteries of heaven. You cannot feel rejected when you understand your Protector. You cannot feel hopeless when the God of all hope resides inside. He takes every problem you are facing, and through intimacy, turns those problems upside-down while He becomes the solution.
Even if every publisher that reads my book proposal comes back with a ‘no,' there is absolutely no way that you can stop this woman. I'm on a mission from heaven, determined to get your broken hearts into the hands of the Healer who currently holds mine—and HE will supernaturally accomplish much more than I ever could. He's the best Doctor I've ever had. He's the best Father one could ever imagine. He's the greatest love my life has ever known—and for the rest of my days, I will lead as many people as I can to the lap where I live my life…..
Sitting as a daughter, being loved by my Father.