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March 19, 2015

I Have To Confess, I’m Super Disappointed About This…

For most of my life as a Christian, I've been taught that negative emotions are untrustworthy little critters.  Heck, I've even taught that very concept on numerous occasions.

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Crippling, negative feelings like disappointment, anger, unforgiveness, insecurity, sadness…..they should be wrangled to the ground, pushed to the side, ignored, rebuked, and then have the truth declared and beaten over them until something shifts.

(Repeat as many times as necessary until YOU take responsibility for changing your heart….more than likely, seventy-times-seven….gazillion).

The problem with this approach to the very REAL emotions floating around inside of your heart is this:

a)  You're completely denying the reality of how your heart really feels….

b)  You're trying to change your heart with your own power–leaving little room for God to come in and transform from the inside-out through His grace.

 

A few weeks ago, I felt like I'd reached my capacity to deal with tough emotions that accompanied the days as they seemed to crumble around me.  Old wounds from an old and significant relationship kept leaving my heart in shambles, debilitating morning sickness kept me in bed a majority of the day and night, another friend found it necessary to accuse me of hostility when I had had none, a book deadline with a new publisher kept creeping closer (with no book written), and the one-year anniversary of my daughter's death was fast approaching—bringing with it a tumble-cycle of erupting sadness, loss, disappointment, snot, and tears.

Needless to say, the hurricane around my life beat at the door of my heart, threatening to destroy anything that wasn't anchored to truth.

Just as I heard my heart whisper inside, “Father, I just can't handle anymore conflict, disappointment, death, or accusation today,” the email came.

After Goldie passed last year and I got to work—on a mission to declare the goodness of God in the midst of horrible tragedy—speaking invites began to roll in from all over the world.  But one invite in particular was especially exciting, giving me the opportunity to stand in front of over 10,000 women at a single event, putting me on a speaker roster with some of my greatest heroes.  I remember sitting in Starbucks the day the request came in, crying at the redemption of God and how excited my heart was to stand in front of so many beautiful people, working with the Holy Spirit to empower them back into intimacy with this GOOD God who heals every wound.

However, the email I got that day let me know that wouldn't be happening.

God had been prompting the leadership of this church in a new direction, with the pastor's wife needing to release a message over the conference (a woman I HIGHLY admire and respect), with a lot of confirmation from the Holy Spirit on many sides. As I read the words, letting me know that one of the conferences I had been most excited about all year didn't need me or my message anymore, I paused, closed my eyes, and listened to my heart.

And my heart was undeniably, overwhelmingly…..disappointed.

You see, old Christa would have thought the overwhelming disappointment I felt was a sign of insecurity, weakness, and a lack of spiritual maturity.  Surely spiritually mature people don't get disappointed, especially if God is the one orchestrating the shift!  Old Christa would have pushed the disappointment aside, stuffed it way down, put on a good face to everyone, and pretended like it didn't rattle me for a second.  But those old behaviors were never a true picture of the pain digging deep inside my heart.

And I'm definitely not old Christa anymore.  I'm the Christa who has had learned to bring every heart emotion into relationship with Jesus.

I laid in bed that day, closed my computer, and rolled over into sobs, throwing my heart around the disappointment that kept piling up around me that week.  I felt the Comforter come and put His arms around me, pulling me in close.  I could feel Jesus laying in front of me, His eyes in tears, crying that His best friend was hurt and disappointed.

If it matters to you—-it matters to Him, friend.

I felt the kiss of Father on my head—perfectly wrapped in a cocoon of the Trinity—the safest place I could ever be.

For over an hour we talked and cried as my heart invited the Safe Ones into the very real disappointment of my heart.  I didn't deny my emotion—I simply let God into it with me.  The Counselor began to speak up, reminding me that He orchestrates my steps and my ministry.  Jesus kept cracking jokes about my snot, and I'd break up my tears with a giggle.  Father's presence held me close, and in this presence, there was no shame for my disappointment, no scowls or expectation to change how I felt.  I had full permission to be disappointed—knowing that disappointment didn't negate the fact that I trusted His decision to bench me on this event.  Both extremes could exist inside of one another.   I wasn't disappointed in Gateway, their leadership, or the Holy Spirit who had led them to make this decision.

I was simply disappointed that I wasn't getting to speak at Pink Impact.  And that was and is…..entirely permissible.

 

You see, dear friends, how many times over the course of our lives have we denied the truth of our heart's cry to try and become something we're not—yet?  Father isn't asking you to change yourself—He's asking to be invited into the middle of everything you already are, standing in relationship, power, counsel, love and grace as your heart transforms into His greatest masterpiece through relationship, friendship, and intimacy.

And after 37-years of life, I'm finally learning to do this every, single day.  

I check in with my heart, doing a reality scan.  Am I feeling overwhelmed, insecure, sad?  Am I feeling angry, disconnected, or broken?  There's always a root of pain behind every one of those emotions—and they don't just go away on their own.   Instead of denying the truth of how I really feel, I've learned this year to simply confess it and invite a GREATER truth into the mess, knowing pain doesn't heal itself.

If those emotions exist, I usually need a heart-Healer.

And as I uncover my heart and lay it before my King, unashamed at the tattered mess and rumbling emotions, He breathes such life into the corridors.  He revives, restores, tills the soil of my heart—removing the thorns and thistles.   He reminds me of the truth, and I declare what He's told me—simply coming into agreement with His words about me.

 

Beloved—you have permission to feel.  Don't deny your heart's cries anymore, pushing them aside.  The root of all negative emotion is always pain…..so wouldn't it make more sense to own the feelings, get the root of pain healed, and watch as that healing brings about peace, joy, life, love, and hope?

I don't pray for fame….I pray for influence, so naturally, I'm disappointed that I'm not going to get to stand on stage in front of 10,000 women at Pink Impact and impart the message I carry.  But that disappointment pales in comparison to the HOPE I've found in relationship with the Trinity.  And because I didn't give that disappointment the opportunity to move into bitterness, anger, or resentment, it won't have the chance to poison my heart.

 

If you were going to Pink Impact to hear me, I would REALLY REALLY REALLY encourage you to go!  I would if I could!  The lineup of women speakers is unreal—there's going to be so much breakthrough, healing, and LIFE released at that conference!  I adore Gateway Church and what they carry—& Robert and Debbie Morris will always be some of my favorites!

 

Huge blessings today, dear friends.  Thank you for joining me in my journey of healing….through the good, the bad, and the ugly that Father keeps loving into something beautiful.  (:

 

xx,

Signature CBG

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

27 Responses to “I Have To Confess, I’m Super Disappointed About This…”

  1. So needed to hear this. I feel like often we are taught as Christians that we cannot “trust our emotions”, and therefore many of us bury them away, and after doing that for so long, the roots of original pains become so emeshed in the core of who we are, and even at times cause us to shut our original identity down, almost as if we never truly knew who we were, and so we live as someone we are not, to appease others. I too am realizing as I draw closer to God, that He does not condemn me for what I am feeling, He does not get “disappointed in me” when I feel anger, disappointment, etc. Instead I believe He feels things with me and helps me to process, heal and move on. Thank you for being real and sharing your heart with us. It’s really refreshing to know that none of us as a body, have to ever feel alone, or ever feel ashamed of the way we feel. 🙂 BLESS YOU!!!!!

  2. Vanelly

    I commend you for this beautiful blog and the boldness you have!! But I must say, after hearing you at the Jesus Culture conference last summer, I KNOW that there would not have been a dry eye at the Pink Impact conference! The Holy Spirit moved through you in such an amazing and powerful way, that even my 16 year old son was at tears! Love you Christa and you’re absolutely right. We must learn to understand and trust the “detours” as well as closed doors that God may permit for He created our future plan! Jeremiah 29:11! Keep being you, for you are AMAZING! ❤️

  3. Erin Williams

    I was definitly most excited about getting to hear you speak. I have directed so many women I minister with to your blog. I was very bummed when I noticed you were removed from the lineup. I am still going and expecting great things but honestly I am super super disappointed you are not going to be there. I love the honesty and realness you bring. I know God would have moved the hearts of many through your words…and I know He still will. Divine appointments are still yet to come.

  4. Chrissy

    Oh wow! I just got finished having this talk with Holy Spirit and was confessing back to Him what He has taught me these last full years and this was the exact thing we talked about! So much confirmation! Thank You!

  5. This was amazing, I don’t normally comment but…I’ve never been to Pink Impact or Gateway for that matter. I would have never heard you speak there if you had gone. But what you just shared that was birthed out of you not being able to go is EXACLTY what I needed to hear today. A word straight from Father to my anxious and hurting heart. Thank you for taking your pain and giving it purpose.
    “You see, dear friends, how many times over the course of our lives have we denied the truth of our heart’s cry to try and become something we’re not—yet? Father isn’t asking you to change yourself—He’s asking to be invited into the middle of everything you already are, standing in relationship, power, counsel, love and grace as your heart transforms into His greatest masterpiece through relationship, friendship, and intimacy.”
    Now written in my journal. 🙂

  6. Kay Neugent McCraw

    Christa, thank you for being so transparent. I heard you speak for the first time in Sugarland last year. I got a revelation of God’s love that I had never had before. As a mother who lost a 17 yr. old son, I would never presume to know how you feel because we are all unique individuals. But I am acquainted with grief and the struggle of dealing with your emotions and the expectations of others. I finally learned that it was ok to feel and express my emotions. It was then that I began to heal. I will be coming to hear you at Flourish….Thanks again for your message! God bless you!

    • Christa Black Gifford

      I’m so so sorry about your son. Grieving the loss of a child is the hardest thing in the world….& I think I would have physically exploded if I hadn’t had permission to just let it all go! Can’t wait to see you at Flourish!

  7. I can really relate with the same feelings of frustration and disappointment this week. This is so encouraging to read, because I find it hard too, to show God my REAL emotions, and to take the time to let them sink in instead of denying them, let Him in, so He can heal them.. Thank you Christa!

  8. I now can say I know exactly how it feels to let God be there for u through the emotion of disappoint. Monday after I got off work I got a call saying I didn’t get the house I put a bid on after 3 months of waiting. I was for sure that I got it but unfortunately the sellers bank decided last min that they didn’t want to sell it. I was so upset, disappointed, and overwhelmed. I started crying. Which for me is huge! I used to never cry I would go towards my issues of self harm to hide any emotion I had. But since I can say with a smile on my face I am a child of God, I felt him in that moment as I sit in my couch with tears down my cheek, I felt God say its ok I have better plans for u! I was comforted but yet was able to cry the tears I’ve never allowed to pass my eyes! God u are amazing!
    Christa Ty for sharing ur life with everyone u have helped me in more ways than you’ll ever know. Bc I felt God in this situation I thank you as well. U have made me grow so much in my faith its unreal! Please keep sharing with all of us bc let me tell you, you have been the reason why I have where I’m at now in my walk with God. There are about five ladies who have helped me to get to where I am now. And u chica are a major one :)!

    Love ya bunches

  9. i love this… soo muchHHHHHHH. you are amazing. you really blew my mind with this post. you really speak straight to the heart and say things so clearly and so eloquently. So glad that you do what you do. You have a very special ministry. if i ever met you, i think i would cry in your arms.

  10. Julie Jones Fowler

    I just wanna say…Gateway is one of my favorite churches on planet Earth, and I love Pink Impact, and so respect that church. But, my consideration to attend this year was 100% prompted by you being one of the speakers, Christa! That’s all….you’re truly amazing, may not need to hear that at all from a stranger, but stay encouraged! The masses love you!

  11. Lindsay

    Christa! I am one of those secret fans that reads everything you post and loves what you carry and release so much but I have NEVER responded to your blog before. But just as you used to hide dissapointment and play it cool I do the same towards celebrities (you totally are in my world) 🙂
    So here is my confession. I don’t know you but I love and adore you and I hope to meet you one day. Your walk through intimacy and heart connection to yourself and the Father is beautiful and I am SO blessed by you. Thank you!

  12. Rebecca

    So good…needed to hear that. I’m great at stuffing the emotions of disappointed way down deep. I can’t wait to hear you next week at She is Free!! Eek! Xo Rebecca

  13. Christa, Good to hear your words, I just learned you were not speaking at Pink Impact this year and am very disappointed. My family has been a part of the Gateway extended family for 5+ years now and receive Pink Impact flyers in the mail annually. This was the first year I decided to attend with several friends and the only reason is because your name was on the featured speaker list. God has us there for a reason and we will still attend, but that does not dismiss the fact your message lead us there. We will not be able to spend the weekend worshiping with you. My friends and I joke we should just come spend the weekend with you instead. Your words through “God Loves Ugly” changed my life many years ago and I am eternally grateful for your passion to minister to women in a deep, sincere, bold way. You will be missed! Angie

  14. Meredith Alegado

    wow! I’m blessed! Thanks for this Christa 🙂 wow. I am so blessed to bump into your blog account! what a wonderful day is this! Thank You Lord. God Bless everyone! all the way from the Philiipines =)

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“I had planned to end my life, but chose to give it one last shot and signed up for the Master Heart Course. I finally found what I was looking for. My life has changed in ways I could never could put into words, being healed far beyond what I could imagine. I have a long way to go, but this course literally saved my life..”

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