I am angry. Very angry.
For decades, this was an emotion I had taught myself not to have as a good Christian girl. But when my Goldie died, the most powerful part of my healing process was the permission Jesus gave me to be angry….with Him.
ANGER IS NOT A SIN. But what you do with your anger can BECOME a sin. My heart healed when I learned that I have a righteously angry Savior–the Savior who shamelessly displayed this emotion when He turned over tables in the temple without sinning.
Jesus was, and still is angry that the disease of anencephaly took the life of my daughter—especially a disease that He suffered and died to overcome. And the anger we both have about the injustices of this world is the anger that fuels me deeper into His heart, learning more about the kingdom, how to pray for healing, and figuring out how to bring heaven to earth so it never happens again.
I like my righteous anger these days. It's become a healthy friend that fuels my passion towards freedom and relationship, and not a foe I'm trying to deny.
I've had to take a few weeks off in the blog zone. I discovered some inner anger and needed to wade through it with the Holy Spirit. And the anger that I felt was a good, righteous, shameless anger I had…..
I am angry that I've dumbed myself down for a cruel and judgmental Evangelical world. I'm angry at myself for writing at an angle that avoids more pain from stone-throwing Christians. And I'm making a public statement to say…
GO AHEAD AND THROW YOUR ROCKS, FRIENDS.
It's FAR more painful to be something I'm not and try to make everyone happy than it is to be myself and make someone's religious spirit uncomfortable. (:
THE WOUND THAT CAUSED THE PROBLEM:
When Goldie died in my arms on March 5, 2014, my heart instantly exploded into millions of pieces, gushing blood from the sting of death. Each moment of existence felt more excruciating then being impaled by an axe, and a large part of my heart wanted to just give up and die with my daughter. As I watched the funeral home car pull out of my driveway with her little lifeless body, solidifying the reality that she was truly gone, my body began to simultaneously erupt with wails and screams. The weight of death threatened to crush me forever, spinning my head into a lifeless vortex….
And all I could think to stop the swirl was to do what I do best…..write. I needed to take the hurricane in my head and pour it out into words to try and make sense of the disaster.
As a proud mother, my heart HAD to write about her beauty. I wanted to write about the way her skin felt up against mine. I wanted to scream from the rooftops about my baby girl, the one that no one would ever get the chance to meet. I had to write about the moments I had with her before the pain tried to erase and numb them, immortalizing each second in time so I could go back and hold onto them forever.
I locked myself in my room and through guttural sobs, my fingers began to type, giving my daughter's forty minutes on earth the memorial she deserved.
As a mother who could only see beauty in her baby girl, I took a picture of her little hand as a birth announcement, proudly posting it on my social media accounts to announce to those anticipating her arrival that she had come.
But she had also gone. Along with a piece of my heart.
For the most part, the prayers and words of encouragement that poured in were a huge anchor that kept me sane, reminding me that I wasn't alone in the hottest fire of my life. Until one day, a Christian missile hurled from the keyboard of a fellow believer.
In the words of Graham Cooke, “Christians are the only group of people on earth that shoot at their own wounded.”
And unfortunately, I know this to be true firsthand.
I was sitting at the kitchen bar when I got the text from a friend. She let me know how angry she was at major christian magazine for saying what they did about me, and as I read her words, my body paralyzed in fear.
Oh no, I thought. What did I do wrong? Who would criticize me in the worst pain of my life? And why would they be heartless enough to do that publicly?
The lump rose as I read her words–the words of a stranger who had never met me, but apparently was an expert on my heart and my motives. I read the shaming words of an editor who had peered down on my pain and tragedy with judgement and condemnation, accusing me of writing about my daughter “too soon” after she had passed away, scoffing at my vulnerability as something impure.
I put on a good face, doing what I was supposed to do to forgive this lady for being so heartless. I knew that in order for her to be so judgmental about my pain, she must be pretty judgmental about her own unhealed pain—because you only give away whatever it is you already have on the inside of you.
My HEAD knew what to do, and went through the motions…..but my heart was completely broken.
And from my broken heart, I made an unconscious vow. I vowed to play it safer around the Evangelical community to avoid more of their scrutiny….because their scrutiny hurts like hell.
The strange thing is, this lady's unfamiliar voice echoed in my ears louder than the familiar voices of family and friends who let me know I had done nothing wrong. Her voice was stronger than the hundreds of thousands of voices who were encouraging me to keep going online and when I speak, letting me know how Goldie's story had helped them heal, learning to be vulnerable and find freedom. Her one negative voice rattled around in my heart like a loud gong and a clanging cymbal, louder than all the positive testimonies.
Last week when the Holy Spirit unearthed this truth in my heart on a road trip with my husband, I wasn't angry at this stranger. I was angry at myself for giving her my power. I was angry for letting her wounding words wound me enough to stay crippled, trying to soften truth to make it less of a double edged sword–and that was on ME and not on HER. I was angry at my heart for going through the motions to forgive her with grace…..but forgetting to forgive myself with grace.
Hey Christa, that's just not okay.
I am a controversial person if you know me. I associate with people who the Evangelical community freaks out about….just like my Jesus did. And I confess….I've cared about what YOU think more than I've cared about loving them. If Jesus didn't care about His reputation, then I want to be like Him, regardless of what conferences and speaking invites it costs me. I ask for your forgiveness where I've been more concerned with being politically correct and BEING LOVED than actually BEING LOVE. I adore pop culture, Hollywood, the Kardashians, Justin Bieber, and the mainstream market…just like my Jesus does. And I will never have influence in a world that I'm too busy criticizing. I want to take back the Godly components that the new age movement and that eastern medicine have claimed as their own, and teach people how to get their spirit, soul, body cleansed and living in relationship and intimacy with the Trinity who made their home inside.
I'm a Spirit-filled, tongue talking, Bible believing, prophetic, female preaching, worship leading, essential oil wearing, organic eating, inner healing minister of the gospel of Jesus Christ….Mama lioness. And I will no longer dumb down my greatness, my genius, and the fullness of who I am to fit into a pill that the ENTIRE Christian community can swallow. If you can't stomach the overflowing message coming out of my heart, then you can start blogs that call me a heretic and go elsewhere for teaching. But I happen to finally enjoy the taste of the water of life coming out of my heart. And if you know them by their fruit, there are THOUSANDS who are tasting this water and growing the fruits of freedom and peace and joy–reengaged with the Trinity that made their home inside.
Rant is coming to a close. I'm excited for the months ahead of me….and what I'm going to pour out to an online community who follows my journey, to our guests who join us here at Gold Monarch Healing Center, with conferences that we're going to put on ourselves, and my controversially juicy next book Heart Made Whole that comes out in June (but is available for preorder now!)
If you know me personally, you know I'm a loud person with a lot to say. And I've stayed quiet publicly about certain things to keep myself safe from more pain. Well, the pain has been brought to Jesus and is being healed, He's encouraging the greatness of my heart to come back alive, He's taking the muzzle of fear off, and I must confess, the fullness of who I am is about to explode.
So like it or not, just get ready.
Cause things are about to get loud.