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August 3, 2014

How To Be Angry Without Sinning

I’ve hit a rough patch of anger ice in the process of grieving, and my emotions seem to be slippery as I slide wildly all over the place.

Screen Shot 2014-08-03 at 10.27.02 PMOn Friday morning as I sat in the backseat with my son Moses while heading to the airport, he decided it would be a fun game to put as many names together as he could.  After yelling out every name in his little 2-year-old rolodex, he excitedly blurted out his new creation, “Baby Thitthy Goldie Mommy!”

I smiled and laughed, loving that he’s hitting a phase that involves being silly and creative, but as I thought about his words, tears began unexpectedly spilling over the brim of my eyes and down my cheeks.

My daughter Luca Gold will never be a mommy on this earth.  

Because my baby girl left this world on March 5, she will never know the joy of sitting in the back seat with her kids, watching with excitement as they learn the art of being silly.  She’ll never know what it feels like to grow and carry life, then birthing that life to the love and adore.

Every once in a while, these little realities come out of left field and smack me upside the head, and no matter how strong I am, I’m never prepared for them.

At first when I realized my little Goldie would never be a mother, the emotions that came brought expected tears that I’ve become accustomed to wiping off my cheeks for months now.  But almost immediately, those tears turned into something I wasn’t used to.  They turned into pure rage.  I felt a furnace begin to grow inside my chest, a burning so deep and so strong, there was no water strong enough to put out the flame.

As we pulled into the airport departures, I realized I needed to send a last minute email before getting out of the car.  When Moses realized he no longer had Mommy’s undivided attention, he began to whine, calling my name and asking the same question on repeat like a broken record.

Moses, stop it!” I snapped harshly without looking up from my iPhone.  “Mommy needs to do something.  Give me just a minute, will you!?”

As we pulled up to airport and my Studhubs Lucas got out of the front passenger side and began to unhook Moses out of his carseat, I bit coldly at him, “Let me do it!  Get my suitcase out of the back.”  

We all said our goodbye’s on the curb, explaining that I was heading off to California to speak for the weekend, then accompanied by an onslaught of family kisses and cuddles.  But the entire time I was attempting to say goodbye to the men in my life, I was at the same time wanting to punch a wall.

I walked quickly down the airport terminal, reaching up to grab the necklaces around my neck—my beautiful diamond necklace and a Giving Key that says ‘Luca Gold.’   As my fingers hit the key and felt the indentions that carved out her name, I just lost it.

 

I’m so angry, Jesus!  I’m so angry that she’s not on this trip with me.  I’m so angry that I have to look at pictures of her to remember what she looks like.  I’m so furious that life goes on for the rest of the world, and I feel like I’m stuck in time, locked in a moment that keeps pulling me back into a vortex.  And I’m broken that my little baby girl will never know what it feels like to have a baby girl herself.

 

As I handed the TSA agent my ticket, I’m sure my face was as red as my lipstick.  I wanted to scream in his face as he smiled.  I wanted to tear my clothes an pour ashes on my head.  I wanted to go on a wild rampage and throw over the security bins, hitting the floor in anger, and wailing in agony.

But I couldn’t do it.

I took a deep breath as the furnace raged inside my heart, and I heard a voice from inside the inner flames.

Let it burn, Christa.  Let it burn–just let me burn WITH you.

 

When you suffer tragic loss, each day brings with it an unexpected roller coaster of new emotions.  Some days I feel so normal, I have to remind myself that it wasn’t a dream.  Some days, an innocent hug can send me into uncontrollable sobs.  And other days, the anger that rages inside my heart is so hot, I’m afraid that I might burn those I touch.  And sometimes, I do.

 

I picked up the phone, cheeks flushed, heart burning, and texted my Studhubs.  Baby, I’m more angry today than normal.  I’m so sorry I was short with you and Moses.  Please forgive me.  I want to be angry and not let that anger spill out on those I love.

 

Ephesians 4:26

“In your anger do not sin.  And do not let the sun go down on your anger.”

The anger that burns inside of my heart isn’t a bad anger.  It’s a holy anger.  It’s a fire that rages for justice and redemption—both character traits of the God who lives inside.  But if I don’t recognize that, surrendering the anger and flames to Someone stronger than me, those flames can destroy and wound, as opposed to refine and heal.

And, dear Jesus, I don't want the anger from the death of my daughter Goldie to do more damage than what's already been done.

 

Every day, I must turn and face my anger.  And every day, I must throw my arms around it.  I have to acknowledge the furnace inside as it bubbles up from my heart, sitting down in it and owning every moment.

When we run from anger, it always chases us down.

When we try to hide anger, it always breaks through the surface.

The only way to deal with anger is to get to the root…

And the root of anger is always pain.

 

I know my anger isn't sin.  But if I don't bring God into it—the One who can handle it—I'm going to explode on the innocent.  And that becomes sin.  As I bring my anger before the King, presenting it as a gift and asking Him to take it for me, a strange thing happens.  I'm not alone in the anger anymore.  I'm with the Healer—and the Healer always has a solution for pain.

 

Some days, it's a moment by moment process, and I'm far from perfect.  But thank goodness it's not a sin to be angry, and that I have a whole day to process my anger with the Counselor before the sun goes down, or before I burn those that I love.  And then when it comes up the next day, I get another day to heal, and another, and another.  Thank goodness that as God holds the anger of my heart, His love is the water that turns those flames into passion, and uses the head of sorrow to refine me once again, until I truly I become what He's created me to be.  Precious gold.

 

xx,

 

CHRISTA BLACK_OFFICIAL

 

 

 

 

 

14 Responses to “How To Be Angry Without Sinning”

  1. Nomgqibelo Bogatsu

    I recently went through a disappointment, was expecting something and it didn’t quite come through. I’ve been dancing around this door wanting to get into that room and deal with the disappointment and process all the stuff that I’m feeling because I’m taking it out on those around me. Your posts have helped me take it step by step and face my giants- I also write in order to heal and I’m so grateful that you keep sharing your journey and you’re just so real and raw Christa. Thanks for sharing, it’s honestly no good to bottle things up, it seems easy right now to “just let it slide” but it comes back (bigger) to bite you- I’m tired of learning that the hard way.

    I keep recommending your blog posts to so many people because they’re just so good and truly edifying and point people to Jesus. Thanks so much Christa, thank you. God bless

  2. Letia Arrington Johnson

    Yeah….you hit it. I have struggled with it in losing a child but apparently in losing a home as well. And I burnt my firstborn…. (Born alive 3 losses early & late) She was 6. She’s almost 10 now and I think I need to talk to her and ask her forgiveness. (And spare her the details until later in her financial training)
    Honestly I hate you walked this road. I’ve been there. Well Ashly was 25 wks, so not as far. I had to be induced when she had no heartbeat. The comments you get and I add mine that you have blessed us. If you had to go thru it I wish we would have walked thru it together. So much I can relate to but didn’t have the understanding that I get through following your journey. ❤️

  3. Amanda Hogue

    Also just experienced a monumental loss, however it was due to people choosing their pride and “good name” rather than have a relationship with me. I find myself getting SO angry that they would rather ‘be right’ than unconditionally love their daughter, but the root of that is intense pain. This loss was experienced again and finalized over the weekend, and I found myself being short with my husband, and he just wrapped me up in his arms and loved me. I’m SO angry that my family won’t smell the skin of my babies, be their grandparents, hear their first words… I’m so angry that they chose this. I don’t know what it’s like to lose a precious life that you’ve birthed, but I do know what it’s like to lose an entire family. And I know what it’s like to feel that blinding rage at something so senseless. Thank you for bearing your heart, I identify with your pain. My prayers go out to you and others that bare their grief privately.

  4. I want to thank you again for sharing this. I know that healing a deep pain is a process, but sometimes we have certain specific feelings that we don’t know how to handle. I have felt like you in my situation. I lost someone I really loved and have gone through a deep painful process of healing, recovering, but also of not understanding why God allows many things. Sometimes I get so angry that I just want to punch every single face. That is when I would like to see God’s face showing He is a father who understands that feeling.

    Thank you again for your honesty to share your feelings. It shows us that a worship minister can also be a human, a son, a daughter of God who can feel pain and who can learn how to glorify God through it. I am part of that worship group of people, and your story is an example of courage, love and hope for me.

    Thank you!

  5. This is so good! Thank you for writing. I lost a baby at 12 weeks, but I hemorrhaged from 7-12 weeks. It was so horribly hard. But I really couldn’t process what I was going through at the time because I was focused on keeping this pregnancy. Something inside of me shut down after the loss. Not intentionally, but slowly…I realized recently I wasn’t actually allowing myself to grieve. And that means confronting all the anger and confusion and pain. All the why’s. I’m not sure why, as Christians, we are taught that anger is bad- it can be bad, for sure! But why would god make us with an emotion that we aren’t meant to experience to some degree? Those are my questions and rumblings… Thank you again. Praying for you!

  6. Genea Branch Faught

    Thank you! You speak freedom to my heart. I haven’t understood how my anger could be anything except failure to be the new creation in Christ. Hating to be me through every raging thought. Desperate for this life to be over and the pain to cease, Too in love with Jesus to shame his name by quitting.

  7. Eucharista

    Black, I’m so thankful to the Source of our being for HIS constant doing in your living! Just wanna say one thing, YOU ARE A GREAT BLESSING! Never intended to compose it rhyming, its just falling as I’m typing… I read your post at the right time… God meant time!…. I was so angry with my life and I was questioning GOD as to why … although I KNEW I shouldn’t … that’s when I came across your response to God’s leading .. (meant this post) and humbled myself pleading for HIS help after reading this write up. THANK YOU!!!

  8. Janelle Moxey

    Wow! This spoke directly to my heart. I walk in this every day grieving for what could be with my severely developmentally delayed 8 year old son. You have so eloquently put into words what should be my attitude. Thank you for your honesty and for allowing Holy Spirit to use your words to encourage me to work on not letting my pain spill out and burn those around me. You are such a gift xo

  9. Astrid Preciatt

    Hi! This has really helped me a lot! You are such a blessing by being brave enough to post your own process in order to help other people.I bet God has something big and really nice stored for you. Can’t wait to see you go on your journey. Thanks again for makig me feel that I am not alone.

  10. Eniola Abioye

    One of the most difficult things I’ve learned in this season is how toe Jesus into my pain. It’s been the most freeing. And even though at the end of every episode of pain, whether it’s anger, bitterness, frustration or jealousy, I’m learning to let him in daily. Thank you for this. Sometimes part of our healing comes from people saying “Yes, I agree. ” I feel like that is what this article was for me. I appreciate your life, Christa Black. You’re such a great big sister to all of us and a treasured part of Our Body.

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