Archive

April 14, 2014

How I Know God Didn’t Kill My Baby Girl–Part 2

A pastor stands up in his pulpit and shouts out to his congregation, “God is good!” And as if on command, everyone in the pews shout back in unison, “ALL THE TIME!”

365366893_640“All the time!” the pastor declares back.  “GOD IS GOOD!” shouts the congregation.

If you’ve grown up in church settings or been around Christians at all, you’ve heard these sing-song chants—declarations of the goodness of God, of his mercy and love, and of his sovereignty and loving nature.

But then someone dies of cancer.

And then someone is raped.

Your spouse doesn’t love you anymore.

Or your parents get divorced.

Someone might be abused.

Poverty kills millions.

Children die from lack of water and food.

A tornado wipes out your town.

You lose your job.

Or like me, you give birth to a beautiful 5 lb girl whose skull and parts of her brain didn’t form, causing her to die in your arms, even though you prayed every night fervently with your husband, blessing her spirit and believing for wholeness and life in her body.

The goodness of God is challenged every day with the punches of life.  And as far as I can see, we’ve all been punched repeatedly.  There are some that appear to be hit more than others with a deck that’s stacked against them because of the country they’re born into, the parents they have, the poverty they know, or their personal loss or abuse. But at the end of the day, sometimes it seems as if life is on a mission to simply knock us all out cold.

Even Jesus knew about the punches of life. In John 16:33 he said, “In this world, you WILL have trials.”  I can’t think of anyone better to validate that fact than the one who was rejected, beaten, whipped until his flesh showed, pierced with a crown of thorns, spit on, stabbed with a spear, and then brutally crucified.

Punch.  Punch.  Punch.  Punch.  Knockout.

As Christians, most of us wouldn’t have any problem shouting out in unison with a congregation that our God is good, because it’s what we’ve been programmed to say.  But if a lot of us are honest with what’s going on in our hearts, we’ve all had questions that challenged His goodness when these punches come with their sting.

How can God be good and when I was sexually abused?

How can God be good if my loved one died of cancer?

How can God be good when I’ve lost everything?

How can God be good with so much death and destruction on the earth?

How can God be good when bad things still happen to good people?

 

I’ve asked all of these questions, and many more, at some point in my life.  But because of these questions, I’ve gone on a journey within scripture, and with the person of Jesus Christ, and as a result of that journey, here’s a fact that I’m absolutely sure of:

My God did not kill my daughter, take her back to heaven because he needed her more than I did, take her life for the sake of making me a better person, give her anencephaly, nor was it “His will” for her to be deformed and die a premature death.

And I’d love to tell you why I believe that.

Let’s fly up from the lens of our worldview and attempt a birds-eye-view for just a moment.  When you focus on the bug that splatted on your clean car windshield, it’s all that you can see—sometimes making that little bug seem like the biggest thing in your universe.  But when you stop, taking your gaze off of the bug, refocusing on the expanse of scenery that stretches out in front of you, you forget about the splat.

Let’s take a moment to fly above our personal “bugs”….our problems, lack, abuse, rejection, poverty, death, loss, and pain.  Let’s fly up and try to see the world as God sees it.

 

In the beginning, GOD.

And who is this God?  He is the Trinity—3 in 1—Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.  (Phil 1:2, Titus 2:13, Acts 5:3-4).  In Him was perfect relationship, fellowship, and intimacy, the Father relating to the Son, the Son fellowshipping with the Holy Spirit, and the Holy Spirit in intimacy with the Father.

Within this reality, we have the will of God perfectly displayed.  LOVE.

This ‘will’ was very clear in Genesis 1-3 when God created the world.  He created light, time, earth, vegetation, living creatures, saving his grand finale for something entirely new:  MANKIND.  And why was mankind so different than everything else he created?  Because mankind was created in His image.  

Let’s think about ‘in His image’ for a minute.  My son, Moses, looks like me because he has my DNA.  He has my little nose.  He has my eye shape.  And as we’re learning in mothers-day-out, he loves to tell the teacher what to do, so he definitely has my personality for leadership!  He’s created in my image and he looks, and acts, like me.

Dear friend, you have the nature of God, so you look like him, too.  Why do you think you cry every time an episode of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition comes on television and a widow gets a new house?  It’s why we’re glued to our TV when Oprah gives away cars to everyone in the audience.  It’s why we love movies like The Karate Kid where the skinny kid beats the muscled, cruel ninja master.  Think about it for a minute—when’s the last time you can remember the good guy NOT saving the day at a movie, in a book, or in a story?  There’s a reason why our art reflects this nature—-we love goodness.  Why?  Because it’s inside our DNA, no matter what we believe—every person on the planet was created to have the DNA of the goodness of God.

Adam had that DNA, as well.  And because of it, God knew that it wasn’t good for Adam to be alone.  The Trinity was in existence far before man ever breathed his first breath—and God had perfect relationship, fellowship, and intimacy within Himself.

It’s hard to release goodness when you’re all alone, isn’t it? God knew it wasn’t good for Adam to hang out on the earth without someone to be ‘one’ with, so he showed HIS WILL when he gave him a companion, Eve.  Then, he showed HIS WILL when he created a world that provided for him in abundance.  He showed HIS WILL to be fruitful and multiply.  He showed HIS WILL for fellowship, so he hung out with him in the garden.

The will of God is for goodness, fellowship, abundance, creativity, fruitfulness, and intimacy to be released.  That’s the way God set up existence in the garden, displaying his ultimate intention for all of mankind—-LIFE.

So what went wrong??

 

As a mother, my will for my son is that he doesn’t hit girls.  Hitting girls isn’t a good character trait to pick up, however, his best friend Stella is his favorite target.  He smiles when he lets me know, “I miss Stella!  I HIT Stella!”  Part of me thinks he hits Stella because he knows I’ll make him go hug and kiss her in apology.  (All boy, I tell ya!).  But just because something is my will for him as his mother doesn’t mean he’s going to act out my will.  Why?

Because my son has free will.

And so did Adam and Eve.  And so do you.  Mankind will always hold the power of choice.

As a loving Creator, do we really believe it was God’s will for Adam and Eve to eat the fruit, resulting in separation, sin, death, and suffering to fall on his kids?  Let’s bring this down into our world for a minute.  I’m a mother of a very intelligent toddler who speaks and understands incredibly well for his age.  Because of this, I haven’t ever needed to plug up the electrical outlets in our house because he's always listened and understood me so well.  You do this=pain, and my kid hates pain.  I’ve told Moses many times that if he puts something in the outlet, he will get hurt, and he’s listened and obeyed without even the slightest attempt.  But what if one day, he decides to ignore my knowledge of the subject and exercise his free will, sticking something into that outlet?  If he does, there’s nothing I will be able to do to stop the electrical current that will course through is little body, even though I would want to stop the pain with all of my heart.

It would never be my will.  But he has the choice whether or not to do it.

God didn’t put a security system around the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.  He displayed his amazing will for mankind with the abundance he provided for them in the paradise garden.  But at the end of the day, God loved Adam and Eve so much, that He gave them their own free will….because they were created in His image.

And giving them free will is a part of truly loving them.

Giving you the choice to love God proves that He truly loves you.

You see, the essence of love always involves choice.   If God created mankind and forced us to love him, that wouldn't be love at all.  That would be dictatorship.  For love to truly be love, it must always involve choice.  In cultures where women are traded as cattle, they might perform their wifely duties as required, but it definitely doesn't mean they love their husbands.  They obey them, but they don't always love them.  When I was falling in love with my Studhub Lucas, I felt like my heart might explode every time I got around him.  Love oozed from every pore of my body, making it hard to think, sleep, eat, or sometimes even breathe in his presence.   As time goes on and love deepens, the butterflies might go away, but the depth of love roots deep as the tree grows.  And the best part about it, I get to choose to love him every day of my life, even when he does something I'm not so happy about, as long as we both have breath.

Love is always a choice.  And because God loves you so extravagantly, he gave you that choice whether or not to love him back.

Unfortunately, because of the choices of mankind to eat the fruit, releasing sin and death onto the earth, there have been some terrible choices made by man through the centuries.

Mankind chooses rape, murder, war, anger, cruelty, slavery, greed, corruption, sin, and death every day.  Someone chooses to abuse a child, and that child grows up to be an abuser, and God gets the blame.   Someone chooses out of their own anger and hatred to murder, and God gets the blame.  We choose to destroy our planet, resulting in natural disasters that we blame God for.  We choose to pollute our bodies with chemicals, pesticides, and processed food, causing all sorts of infirmities that we blame God for.  We choose to carry bitterness, unforgiveness, hatred, anger, stress, and anxiety in our emotions, causing even more physical problems, and many times, God gets slapped with the blame.

We choose, and death happens, all around us.

My daughter's anencephaly was not the result of God willing her deformity and death on the earth.  My daughter's death was the result of the choices of man long ago, releasing sin and death into this fallen world.

As my Studhub, Lucas, so eloquently said in a recent Instagram post:  “In case you were curious, Christa and I believe in God's absolute goodness towards us.  Though, through His love for us, God allows us the choice whether or not we subject His goodness to our pain.  He knit together a whole baby.  He did not take Luca before her time.  She was subjected to the pain of sin and it's wake.  In her honor and remembrance, I will not subject God's goodness to that same pain.  

He is good.  And I will subject MY pain to His goodness.”

 

Lucas and I have put a stake into the ground–we will not waiver from our belief in the goodness of God, no matter what happens to us in this world where sin and death have taken their toll.  God showed us his will in the garden for life and relationship, and then he showed us his will, once again, when he sent his son Jesus to save us from the mess we'd made through our choices.

Which is why I'm very excited to continue writing about my Jesus tomorrow.  (:

Until then.

xx,

CHRISTA BLACK_OFFICIAL

 

 

 

Ps.  I realize that I'm embarking on subjects that will bring up all sorts of opinions.  I would like to convey my heart, however, that I'm not writing about my beliefs to cause debate on my website, especially in light of my recent loss.  I am absolutely fine with those who disagree with my opinions, but let me make myself very clear.  I will be very quick to delete any nasty, cruel, or argumentative comments in honor of my beautiful daughter.  Her life, and the reasons I write about this, are something I will treasure in my heart, hoping to bring healing and life to the hearts of the broken.  Feel absolutely free to disagree with anything I've written and comment about it.

But in her memory, please make your differences of opinion known with honor, respect, and love.

Thanks so much.

 

 

28 Responses to “How I Know God Didn’t Kill My Baby Girl–Part 2”

  1. Well said words. You feel in your heart this is the best thing to help you through the loss of Goldie…it is what will help you. She may have been here for a short time, but she will always be remembered by the ones around her.

  2. Thank you for writing this. It struck a chord deep within my heart. My older brother (and best friend) committed suicide 6 years ago. I’m the only believer in my family so trying to walk it out with them questioning my faith and God’s goodness was rough. Ever since then there’s always been this subtle feeling that I can’t fully trust God again. A few years after his death, I got married and started having children. And then the fear came. The fear of losing them all. I could hardly ever be away from them in fear of something happening. I had to be there. I had to be in control because when I said goodbye to my brother that cold day in NYC, I knew he wasn’t ok. But I left anyways trusting that God would watch over Him while I was away. I’ve been to counseling and have cried out so many prayers just wanting to fully trust Him again…to put that stake in the ground. Reading your words has been so healing and encouraging. I’m praying for you…and so grateful I came across your website.

  3. Christa, this is really good! We lost my brother on Thursday, a drug addict for years, who finally turned to alcohol, he died in the most upsetting way, alone, but God is still good, and always will be. your words help bring healing to my heart. I will continue to love Him, trust Him, honour Him and Worship him, the enemy will not rob me of my song, thank you for sharing your heart so openly so that others may may find comfort and rest in them.x

  4. Abby Cooper

    How perfectly worded. Prayers, sweet friend. Suffered loss of my own and my sister lost her 7 day old baby girl, Laynee Kate. Even though I know these things, it’s awesome to have a reminder!! Thank you for your willingness to share your heart.

  5. Such a unique way of looking at the whole picture! I’m definitely putting this in my mental file folder under “Witness” 🙂 It applies to so many different situations and because of that, I’m so glad you’ve decided to share what’s in your heart.

    My experience in losing my daughter was a bit different – I really believe deep in my heart God needed her at His side in order to accomplish what needed to be done in my life, my husband’s life, and our life as one unit. It’s absolutely hard for a mother to digest, but sometimes God’s truth isn’t always what we want to hear. And even though some days I’m in so much physical pain because of grief, I’m amazed at how God is using her 5 weeks in my womb to change mine and my husband’s lives, our relationship with Him, and our use and development of spiritual gifts we didn’t even know we had.

    This is precisely what I love about people in general though. Everyone has a different path, and God has made us all so unique in that way. But it all comes down to one basic truth – He is good all the time, no matter the circumstance.

    My husband and I continue to pray for your family. Thank you for being so open 🙂

    • Yeah. I just realized when I wrote “grieving mother” that it could have been perceived differently than what was meant – I was referring to myself.

      I should never be allowed to write things before 10AM LOL 😛

  6. Jayna Stein

    So beautifully worded. Having suffered loss myself in miscarriages and stillbirth I can echo your truth. God IS good all the time. And His love is enough to cover even our pain. It is our choice to believe and receive it. Comfort and blessings to you in your journey, Dear One…

  7. LeslieMiller33

    Beautiful Christa. When you first posted “How I Know God Didn’t Kill My Baby Girl–Part 2″…I instantly thought of the book The Shack,
    “(God speaking)…just because I work incredible good out of unspeakable tragedies doesn’t mean I orchestrate the tragedies. Don’t ever assume that my using something means that I caused it or that I need it to accomplish my purposes. That will only lead you to false notions about me. Grace doesn’t depend on suffering to exist, but where there is suffering you will find grace in many facets and colors.” Wm. Paul Young, The Shack <3

    Christa, your beautiful daughter's story has so deeply touched my heart…and I am sending love & prayers your way from far away <3

  8. candace loper

    this is beautiful! I recently went to see the movie “Gods not dead” and your post reminded me a lot of the movie hitting on almost every single point you made. I have been and will continue to pray for your sweet family and rejoice in His goodness.

  9. Thankful today for your willingness to share your true emotions with your loss of Goldie. I suffered a stillbirth loss in November & relate to every pain you have experienced. We have also chosen to believe that God is good and He does not create the things that bring us pain. May The Lord comfort you and bring healing in your journey.

  10. Precious Christa – You have entered the sacred ground where champions are made because they paid the price to be there. It is one thing to believe in the goodness of God as a concept. It is another to say it from the ground on which you and Lucas stand. I’ve seen you in the best of times and hugged Lucas in the worst. In pain, he goodness of God radiated from him then and it does from you in these words. This is what you, Lucas and Goldie were born for. It’s real and it’s God’s heart. I’ve never heard you write better.

  11. Allison Bown

    Precious Christa – You have entered the sacred ground where champions are made because they paid the price to be there. It is one thing to believe in the goodness of God as a concept. It is another to say it from the ground on which you and Lucas stand. I’ve seen you in the best of times and hugged Lucas in the worst. In pain, the goodness of God radiated from him then and it does from you in these words. This is what you, Lucas and Goldie were born for. It’s real and it’s God’s heart. I’ve never heard you write better words – they will last long beyond these days.

  12. Lisa Bernier

    I am in awe, my devotion time in your words so heartfelt has been so moving, crying and smiling because of your love for Him, the one we take comfort in. A man in our church who had cancer said “God is good” all the time. I believe like yourself he got that God is with him in everything. I have 2 disabled children and while there have been so many mean comments about their existence, your words comfort me. I at times struggle with the word Joy, you bring new light of this word in striving to be like Him. Love all the comments that express words I couldn’t find. Love, hugs and prayers

  13. Jenny S.

    So so beautiful Christa. Thank you. I needed this right now. A friend of mine since childhood (20+ years) committed suicide last week and it’s been a hard, hard week. My heart hurts. It aches for his parents, who’ve already buried a son when we were so young. It aches for the life he could’ve had, the family he might’ve had someday. It aches, selfishly, for the times I won’t feel his warm, snuggly, teddy bear arms around me anymore. I know God is still good, and God is still Sovereign. He always has been and always will be. Thank you though, for reminding me again of this because I needed it. It’s been one week today that this world has been without my friend and it hurts. Sending you so much love and huge hugs sister. <3

  14. Jillian Davidson

    Thank you so much for writing this. Within the last two months my 4 year old niece suddenly died and a friend was in a car accident losing the daughter she was 5 months pregnant with. My faith in God and His goodness has been shaken. I feel very lost and confused by the old cliches of church but I will be following these blogs and their scriptures as I seek the face of Jesus and His presence.

  15. CYNTHIA

    hello everyone this really worked and i am proud to testify also. i saw a post on how a lady got her husband back and i decided to try this prophet that helped her because my relationship was crashing. although i never believed in spiritual work i reluctantly tried him because i was desperate but to my greatest surprise this prophet helped me and my relationship is now perfect just as he promised my husband now treats me like a queen even when he had told me before he doesn’t love me anymore. well, i can not say much but if you are passing through difficulties in your relationship try him here is his email prophet.briancarn@yahoo.com of a truth he really helps again his email his prophet.briancarn@yahoo.com

  16. Sally Shively

    what an intelligent wonderful article! when a friend of mine lost her baby my heart ached for her (and still does) and i made the mistake of saying she was too precious for this earth. Im so glad to have read this article to have my perspective put in a different direction. atheists will always use bad things happening in an attempt to prove god doesn’t exist but as a christian I will never again blame God for the bad things that happen on earth. the earth can be a cruel unfair place but its man’s sinful nature that made it this way. god created a perfect planet and it was man that destroyed it with his free will. thank you for sharing the story of your precious daughter with us. god never wants bad things like this to happen but i believe we can still use tragedy to touch other people’s lives. its brave people like you who share the story of something so sacred that helps those around us draw closer to and understand god on a deeper level.

  17. Nofreewill

    Uhm, no. There is no choice. God hardened Pharoah’s heart, just so the 12 plagues would continue, hardened Paharoah’s heart so he would pursue Moses and the Israelites, and then killed all the pursuing Egyptians. Why? So that the Egyptians would know, and proclaim forever that the Gof of Moses IS GOD. God cannot do evil, but he does these old Testament acts that modern society proclaims as bad, so that we will know that God is GOD. Why was your baby born deformed? So that you will know, that God IS YOUR GOD.

    • Wow. It must be exhausting serving a God who you think can ‘override’ your ability to choose Him, and MAKE you do something terrible….like betray Jesus like Judas, or become so hard, your son ends up dying like Pharaoh’s son. It must be terrifying serving a God who you believe wills horrific things on His children….instead of realizing that His truest nature is LOVE….and the essence of love ALWAYS involves choice. To truly love someone is to give up control of them….to let them choose whether or not to love you back. Pharaoh wasn’t forced to do something outside of his own will. If you study the text, you’ll understand that God’s kindness towards Pharaoh’s brother Moses—(promoting and favoring someone who had MURDERED an Egyptian)—the hardness was already inside of Pharaoh, friend. God acted in love towards Moses….and God’s actions of love, grace, and forgiveness ‘hardened Pharaoh’s heart.’ The jealousy, bitterness, and anger were already in there. God never forced Pharaoh to do something outside of himself. I truly hope you meet the REAL love—His name is Jesus—and He is perfect theology. To see Him is to see the Father. Start there….I promise you…He’s better than you can ever imagine. (: xoxo

    • Christa Black

      Wow. It must be exhausting serving a God who you think can ‘override’ your ability to choose Him, and MAKE you do something terrible….like betray Jesus like Judas, or become so hard, your son ends up dying like Pharaoh’s son. It must be terrifying serving a God who you believe wills horrific things on His children….instead of realizing that His truest nature is LOVE….and the essence of love ALWAYS involves choice. To truly love someone is to give up control of them….to let them choose whether or not to love you back. Pharaoh wasn’t forced to do something outside of his own will. If you study the text, you’ll understand that God’s kindness towards Pharaoh’s brother Moses—(promoting and favoring someone who had MURDERED an Egyptian)—the hardness was already inside of Pharaoh, friend. God acted in love towards Moses….and God’s actions of love, grace, and forgiveness ‘hardened Pharaoh’s heart.’ The jealousy, bitterness, and anger were already in there. God never forced Pharaoh to do something outside of himself. I truly hope you meet the REAL love—His name is Jesus—and He is perfect theology. To see Him is to see the Father. Start there….I promise you…He’s better than you can ever imagine. (: xoxo

  18. Robin Dursma

    Saw you on Daystar. I get God giving us permission to be angry, AND being able to handle our anger. Even though He isn’t the cause of it, He still handles it all the same. And with such love. I am so, so sorry for your loss. I know your Goldie is up there with Jesus and Corey Stilwell, Glen Alan and Connor Christian. And she is waiting for the day you are there with her. What hurts is not being able to watch our babies grow on THIS earth, to see them learn and play and laugh and cry. I am so thankful for the beautiful girl that God blessed us with. She is a miracle of His love and I am so grateful he chose me to be her mom. I miss my boys every day of their lives. But I know where they are. I know who keeps them and guards them and loves them till I can. And He is ALWAYS good. I might not understand why they had to go. It is beyond my understanding. I don’t know everything. I have faith, I believe in miracles, I prayed and walked the floor and spoke the word over them. And yet, they are still with Jesus. I had to get to the point where I just said I don’t understand. Maybe I never will. But when God asked me if I trusted Him, the answer is yes, with all I am and all I have. Maybe that is part of the gift of grace that comes in with faith, the being able to say that though you slay me, yet I will trust you. No matter what. Because when you see that love, and you feel that love wrap His arms around your broken heart, your angry heart, your crushed spirit, you know THAT love if good. And THAT love is GOD. And there is no other love like it anywhere. It holds you and it heals you and it suffers your anger and your questions and it still loves. You are never too much for Him to handle. You are never too overwhelming, or too damaged, or too intense. He just keeps coming along after you, picking up the broken pieces and rebuilding your spirit and your life. I wish I could tell you that the tears dry in time. They grow less frequent, but they are there, right under the surface, ready to pop out when you see a sister or a brother in pain or in grief. They help you come alongside. They help you have the courage to reach out and show His love to the broken and hurting. And there are days, when you remember their sweet little faces, and you cry with missing them. Coreydog would be 32. Glennie would be 26. And Connor, my sweet little Connor would be 19. I know that one day I will be so proud when I see the men they have become. And I ask Jesus to remind them all the time that their mom and their dad and their sister love them so much. Just remind them, Lord, how we love them. One day, we will be where they are and that will be forever. No more tears. No more sorrow. Just joy. Joy unspeakable and full of glory. That is the essence of the goodness of God to me. Blessings and love in Jesus. <3

Leave a Reply

XHTML: You can use these tags: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>

“I had planned to end my life, but chose to give it one last shot and signed up for the Master Heart Course. I finally found what I was looking for. My life has changed in ways I could never could put into words, being healed far beyond what I could imagine. I have a long way to go, but this course literally saved my life..”

Mayah