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January 14, 2015

Are You Too Hard On Yourself, Like I Am Sometimes?

Today, a miracle happened.

photo-141I actually put on mascara.

And while this small task would seem to be described as anything but a miracle, for this particular girl who has rarely made it out of bed for the past few weeks, crumpling over in agony from the morning sickness that accompanies growing new life inside, something as small as applying mascara feels like a true miracle to this nauseous pregger.

This morning, as I put on my most comfortable ‘leave the house clothes,’ then immediately falling face down onto the bed completely out of breath as if I’d run a 100-yard-dash, I whined to my husband standing over me, “Babe, did I really feel this awful the last two pregnancies?”  With a chuckle and a smile, my Lucas kindly reminded me, “Oh, yes.  This is nothing new.  Now, remember, Christa” he said while leaning down to kiss greasy hair that hadn't been washed in a while, “Have grace for yourself today.  What would Grace say to you right now?

Oh, how my husband knows me well.

You see, for the past few weeks in this nauseated state, I’ve felt like a total failure while laying helplessly in bed, resorting to old movie marathons and devouring entire seasons of mindless shows to take my mind off the fact that I feel like hugging a toilet.  I’ve watched as my rockstar-of-a-husband gets up early to bring me breakfast in bed, all while doing all the grocery shopping, finishing the laundry, dishes, and cleaning out cars and rooms, making up for ‘not so fun mom' by playing extra hard with our two-year-old son, Moses.

And then, there's the lack of ministry items that I haven't had the energy to accomplish.

I haven’t written the articles, blogs, and upcoming book that loom over my head with fast approaching deadlines.  I haven’t returned emails, texts, phone calls and scheduled meetings that required immediate attention.  I haven’t been able to do what I do best as Christa Black Gifford—I haven't been highly productive.

As I lay face down on my bed this morning, barely having the energy to turn my head to the side and take a much-needed breath, I decided to take a break from the bombardment of toxic thoughts that had pelted me over the past week, polluting my head, depressing my heart, and shutting down my spirit.  You see, those thoughts have been about how terrible of a mom and wife I am in this condition.  Those thoughts have been overwhelmed with all that's on my ever-growing plate, and how it's felt impossible to accomplish anything while feeling sick. Those thoughts punch me with guilt for watching movies and sleeping when there are important things to be done–like ministry, relationships, and domestic tasks.

But sadly, and most importantly, those thoughts have had absolutely zero grace for something I can do nothing about—the morning sickness that's accompanied each of my pregnancies.

As I quieted my heart this morning, asking Holy Spirit what He thought about me, tears began to well up in my eyes as I heard His words of medicine ministering to my heart, soul, spirit—even my physical body.  This good, kind, grace-filled Father saw His little girl very differently than I was seeing myself.  And I realized, He had been waiting for the opportunity to share His thoughts, which were far better than my own.

Grace, beautiful Christa.  Receive my grace for today and for where you are.  I'm not disappointed in you, so why would you be disappointed in yourself?  You may think you're being unproductive, but remember, you're growing life—and growing life is never easy.  Let me speak to you in the pain. Let me Comfort you when it's hard.  Let me be strong when you are weak.  I long to be with you inside of each moment, providing everything you need when things get tough.  I'm the Creator of solutions, and you have a very real problem that needs me.

Beautiful one, let me create miracles in these impossible moments.  It's what I do best.

 

Every one of our natural problems become the birthing point of miracles when they collide with the supernatural God that lives inside of us.   But many times, our supernatural Father isn't even invited into our natural stresses, anxieties, problems and hurts—just like I hadn't invited His perspective and grace into my morning sickness dilemma.  But as I did, He covered me with the grace I needed for today.  And I know He’ll do it again tomorrow.

And though all of my circumstances haven't changed, I've changed.  

And when I change, miracles start to happen.

 

xx,

Signature CBG

 

10 Responses to “Are You Too Hard On Yourself, Like I Am Sometimes?”

  1. ann3m13k3

    Hey Christa,

    Don’t tell these things to yourself. I don’t know you personally, but you are a great mom. To Moses, Goldie and this little one. Don’t jugde yourself so hard. There is happening a lot inside your womb right now. Some women aren’t sick when they are pregnant. But some are really sick. Don’t jugde yourself for being sick. You wouldn’t jugde others for it, would you?
    I have three children. and three times I was very sick. I threw up till week 32. I had to lie in bed from week 24 till duedate. I cried because I couldn’t do anything with my other children. But hey, I gave birth to three little miracles. They are beautiful children. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You are a beautiful person, a great mommy and a wonderful wife to Lucas… You are doing quite GREAT actually! Be proud of yourself. And between all the morningsickness try to smile… you are PREGNANT! Lot of love for you! And I shall pray for you and your family! Annemieke

  2. Awwww…praying for you. I have not been pregnant but experienced 6mths of “morning sickness” type symptoms after a surgery I had, and it at times feels awful not only physically, but can play an emotional toll on your body as well, as at times making you feel useless because you literally can’t do anything from the constant nausea, vomiting and just feeling so drained. It’s only for a season Christa, and you are super blessed to have an amazing support system around you, so try not to worry about that and concentrate on the precious little life growing inside you. This will pass!! 🙂 Praying for you that you will experience peace in the midst of having so much to “do” and that you would find “rest” in being!!! 🙂 Bless you!

  3. Wow! Thank you so much… Earlier today my boss told me that I was to hard on myself, all while tears rolling down my face, I FINALLY agreed… and then I check my email tonight and find this post…. THANK YOU!

  4. SO good!!! I love your comment, “As I lay face down on my bed this morning, barely having the energy to turn my head to the side and take a much-needed breath…” I may or may not have busted up laughing, mostly because I’ve been there, but also because of how you wrote it. 😀

  5. Tighe Marie

    Reading this took me right back to a scene in my life where I was hugging the toilet when I was pregnant with Lily and I was instructing toddler Isaiah to go watch yet ANOTHER movie… A HUGE hug to you friend and an extra, heaping dose of GRACE!!!

  6. Soulhouse

    Our honest comments and how you encountered the Father was so encouraging. I’m at the other end of the spectrum with menopausal symptoms of depression, fatigue and cloudy thinking. It has put me out of commission many times with guilt following. We forget how little effort it takes to capture Gods attention and allow Him to share His thoughts. I wrote a song during one of my toughest weeks that says”if I give to you what I have, You will meet me here”. Praying He will continue to meet you during your most trying moments!

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