Today is a tough one.
Up until this 12 week point in my pregnancy, morning sickness has been vastly different than my last three pregnancies (where it didn't subside one moment for almost 18 weeks). This time, it comes in waves, tossing me about with nausea for a bit and then spitting me back on the stability of dry land.
Every joint in my body ached, my stomach churned, and I found myself apologizing to my husband for getting BACK into the hot bath time and time again, longing for a bit of relief from the constant churning.
This morning as I've popped down to my local coffee shop to work, every bone in my body wants to crawl back into bed. And for a good portion of my morning, that frustrated me.
Push through, Christa. My mind would flog my weary body to get up and get going, though every cell of my being feels weighed down as heavy as an elephant.
You've got responsibilities. You've got children. The dishes need to be cleared. Your bed needs to be made. You have too many emails to respond to. Comeon, girl, you have far too much on your plate today.
So I do what Christa has notoriously done best—I dig deep and make it happen.
The first hour of my day is always devoted to me—nurturing my heart and my relationship with God however I need in that moment. And as I sat down to begin my morning meditation, I realized that pregger brain had forgotten her books. All of the books I usually use to get into my heart.
Ok, Holy Spirit. Now what? Without missing a beat, connected to the flow of energy of the spirit of God that lives inside of me, my arm reached out for my notepad, and my heart and mind saw the word STRENGTH written on the top of the page.
Strength. Ok, God, I get it. Let's journal together about the strength that I need to get through this day feeling like I could topple over at any moment.
But what I wrote surprised me. And I'd like to share it with you, especially those who feel that its up to them to somehow muster up the gumption to push through when you feel like you have nothing left.
Christa, I give you strength today—-strength to be weak.
Strength to accept yourself just as you are in this morning sickness state, not trying to ‘feel better,' not trying to get out of this present moment.
I give you strength to accept this moment for what it is—and strength not to resist.
I affirm your strength and acknowledge it, thanking your strength for working so hard to keep your heart safe.
You are strong enough to be imperfect.
You are strong enough to show weakness.
You are strong enough to ask for help when you need it.
You are strong enough to have morning sickness—and for that to be okay.
You are strong enough to crawl back into bed and not feel like a failure. Taking care of yourself and nurturing yourself during this pregnancy is not weak…..its wisdom. It's love. It's care—-caring for yourself the way that I care for you.
Learn from my ways, Christa. Learn from the way I tend to you, think about you, love you and all the ways I have grace for your journey.
Be strong enough to have that same grace for yourself.
You are my priority, Christa. And I want you to prioritize yourself and what you truly need in this moment.
I give you strength today—strength to be as weak as you truly are right now.”
You know something funny? The second I had written that on pad and paper, the second my body started to feel different. I had given myself permission to have morning sickness, not trying to resist it or change it in shame.
And once I had accepted it, strangely enough, it began to lift.
I still might go down and crawl back into bed after I get a few things done today, and that's absolutely fine. And I might not need to. But today, I've been given strength to be weak—permission to be weak—acceptance of my weakness.
For when we are accepting of our weakness, He finally gets to be strong.
A few things to remember: Your heart is not going to heal on its own. And YOU'RE the only one who is in full control of what stays inside your heart, and what goes.
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