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February 15, 2016

What Do You Do When The Deep Sadness Comes?

As my Studhub, Lucas says….“Authenticity is job security.”

girl-in-a-pondAnd I couldn't agree more.

 

I've read all the online tactics to gain more followers, to increase readership, and ‘become an online sensation in 5 easy steps!'  I've heard the statistics about how readers need consistency, and how they need you to crank out content that will make them come back salivating for more.  But every time I dug my heels in over the years, deciding to do what I needed to do to ‘make my name great in the earth,' all my steam would consistently wear out in about three weeks.

Something in my heart never felt right about writing just to write or speaking just to speak.

Something in me felt icky….like I was prostituting my gift for ‘likes' and ‘clicks,'  followers and readers.

And if you're reading these words, you need to understand….you mean more to me than that.  You are not a number, you are a beating heart—alive with life, joy, pain, and suffering—and I am honored that you would entrust your heart to me the way I want to entrust my heart to you.

 

I won't ever just give you content, friend.  I won't ever give you information.  I will always give you my heart…..in whatever state it's in, encouraging you to do what I've done the last two years of my life….

Tend to your heart with delicate care….loving it like you would love your best friend.

 

 

THE TRUTH:

Today, my heart is heavy with sadness.  Deep, deep, deep sadness.  In fact, I feel like I've been sliced open, filleted and stretched wide on an operating table while the deep substance of heavy grief continues to drain from the inside of my heart.

You see, we're coming up on the two year mark when my little Goldie's heart stopped beating in my arms on March 5, and my insides still quake with sobs.  In the past, I would have tried to put on a smile—especially since I'm writing these words in a public place.  I would have gotten out my Bible and quoted scripture about joy, beating myself black and blue with the words to try and change.  I would have hid my sadness behind worship, service, and good works.

But not anymore.

Today, and every day since Goldie went to be with Jesus, I live to sink deeply into the pool of sadness within my heart…..knowing that I'm not alone in there.  

 

DENIAL:

If someone stabs you in the chest, you denying that you're bleeding doesn't make the knife goes away—or prove that you're full of faith.  It just means you're stupid (sorry, but true)…..and that you don't want to be healed anytime soon.

After Goldie died and the knife of death sliced deep within, the only way for that slash to begin the healing process was to first do this….

1. ACKNOWLEDGE THE STAB WOUND

Friend.  I guarantee you, there are knives sticking out of your heart that you're trying to deny.  We have all been wounded by a wounding world.  You might be trying to pretend like your parents divorce didn't cripple you, or that it doesn't bother you that you're still single.  You may have lost a loved one, trying to move on before fully acknowledging the pain.  You might be living in denial about your current affair, or addiction, or self loathing.  Whatever pain is currently in your heart will not go away on it's own.

You must turn to face it, acknowledging its existence.

HOW TO:

Pain, I see you, and you are not my enemy.  You are simply pointing to a wound.

 

2.  ACKNOWLEDGE THE HEALER

Our greatest fear is that we will face our pain….and that it will be too great for us to bear.  Can we handle the enormity of our pain without short circuiting and going insane?  Can we really feel the depth of our pain and survive?

There are many reasons why I am a follower of Christ, but one of my favorite reasons is the fact that He wasn't afraid to make His home inside the hottest messes on the planet……YOU AND ME.  When Jesus sent the Holy Spirit to unpack His bags and make a permanent home inside of our hearts, He made provision for us to never be alone in our pain.  He moved inside as the Healer, Comforter, Redeemer, Helper, Counselor…..

Basically, you have the greatest Healing team in the universe a breath away from you at all times….because you're carrying them around on the inside of your heart.

 

HOW TO:

As I acknowledge my pain, and the deep stab wounds of death that's still there, I know better than to go spelunking down into the deep corridors of my heart without the a Light.

I take a deep breath, place my physical hand over my heart and dial my heart into the reality of heaven that lives inside.

Comforter, I need you.  Healer, I have to feel you.  I know you're in there.

And then……..I simply wait.

 

3.  FEEL THE PAIN

This is the part that most people live to avoid.  In fact, you might have set up entire infrastructures to make sure the knife sticking out of your chest isn't bothered.  This is where control freaks come from (and I'm speaking from experience).  If you can control your OUTER world, then there's a possibility that you can control anyone from getting too close to your stab wounds.

But this doesn't heal the wounds.  It just wears you out, living every breath to stay free from more pain.

 

HOW TO:

Today, as I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, I watched my heart open up like a butterfly—COMMITTING to keep it open, instead of closing when the pain gets too great.  I looked inside and SAW the Healer, Jesus—who told me He lives in there.  I SAW the Comforter, Holy Spirit—who set up home inside.  I saw the greatness of God—the One who pulls me close.  And all of a sudden, it wasn't so scary to fully embrace the contents of my heart.

And today, friends, my heart discovered another deep pool of sadness that's still there after losing my little Goldie.

I close my eyes.

I imagine myself sinking into the sadness of that deep pool, submerged in the feeling.

I am sad, and that is okay.

I miss her terribly, and that is okay.

I am heartbroken over the loss—even after two years—and that is more than okay.

As I FEEL the sadness, tears come easily.  As I FEEL the heartache, sobs are natural.  But the beautiful thing about it is this…..

I am not alone in here. And my feelings are not my enemy—they are as real as the breath filling my lungs.  I am still sad about my daughter's death, and denying that sadness will not make it go away.

 

I can feel the hands of the Comforter around me like a blanket.  And the beautiful thing is, He's not trying to change me—He just wants to BE with me.

The most healing thing in my life has been this discovery…..I have a God who weeps with me.  I have a Love that cries with me.  And in that place of Oneness—of connection—of intimacy……I find what I've been looking for….

Peace and rest.

 

Too many times, we try to move out of our current sadness and find change.  Sadness is not bad as long as it doesn't move into despair—because despair is void of hope.  But I always have hope as long as I stay tethered to the God of hope—especially inside of deep pain.

As you stay honest about the content of your heart today, a strange thing might happen.  Your deepest pain might be the very place where you connect deeply with the Divine.  

Today, I am hurting.  But in my hurt I feel God closer than ever before.  So my hurt becomes the safest place in the world.

 

Can you find that safety today?  Dare to bridge the divide between the pain that's destroyed your life, and the Healer who is waiting on the inside of you….ready to love you back to life.

Excited for you to get your hands on my new book Heart Made Whole: Turning Your Unhealed Pain Into Your Greatest Strength, released June 7 this year.  I'm ready to teach the world how to unlock their hearts, living from a place of authenticity, connection, openness, and intimacy!!!!

 

Love you, friends.  Thank you for being on this heart journey with me.

xx,

Signature CBG

 

 

 

 

 

13 Responses to “What Do You Do When The Deep Sadness Comes?”

  1. Thanks for sharing and being vulnerable!!! I’m reading AGAIN “God Loves Ugly love makes Beautiful”. I so honour and appreciate you sharing your journey of loss and sorrow and sadness, and overcoming, victory and moving forward.

  2. mourning with you

    This is what I needed to hear today. Last Tuesday was one of the worst days of my life. We have been foster parents for 5 years. We have learned well how to love and let go when the outcomes are in the best interest of the child. Unfortunately when you minister to the broken, their mess has the ability to leave a mark on your family. We have had many kids that have done this but not as much as one. Due to some false allegations of one of these children that went home, they removed another child that has been in our home since she was 2 months old. She is currently 23 months. This child is now with a new family and they will not allow us to see her because she is too attached to us. My 3 kids are heartbroken and questioning God. I only pray that hIs redemption is not too far off!

  3. Tracee Wagnon

    Christa, I appreciate this post so much. We’ve been through a lot in the last few years and I feel like everyone around us finds it silly that we don’t just deny and ignore the pain of it all. We receive many “cristianese” replies when reaching out for help but not actual “it’s ok that you have pain” and “here’s how to work through it”. I have needed the “how to”. Thank you.

  4. Allison Bown

    Precious Christa – what a gift your words are. I’m sitting on my mother’s couch today, in her beautiful home, going through the process of sorting out her estate. She went to be with Jesus on Dec. 14th in the most beautiful ending to a life story ever written.

    But what I discovered is that all the “wonderful” doesn’t replace the pain or how much I miss her.

    I just talked about it with a dear mutual friend of ours this week. It was a good talk… but these words give it even more clarity. To discard the pain that exists is to miss a sacred space with Jesus and to know the Comforter. I am towards the beginning of this chapter and your words empower the freedom to be on this journey for as long as is needed. Authenticity is far more powerful than “likes”. Thanks for having that value always.

  5. Anjelica Farino

    This could not have come at a more perfect time for me. Recently lost 2 youth students in our ministry – one to suicide and one who was sick. The girl who ended her life on earth was one I was personally ministering to and determined to see helped and healed to wholeness. This is comforting and even though we don’t have all the answers here, the Comforter does and is in the valley with us. Thanks for reminding me that He’s in there holding me through this. Love you!

  6. Stephanie

    Can I just say, that I am so overwhelmingly blessed by you and your authenticity. Though our situations were and are vastly different you manage to help me cut through things in my life to get to the core with each and every post. I am so thankful for you!

  7. The release of your new book is interesting. I went through a super hard break up a week before my wedding about 3years ago. Our wedding date was June 7. I attempted to begin a new relationship this year but I realized I was still hurting and broken from my past unexpected break up. If you have any idea what that is like, when you had been planning and daydreaming about your life with a significant other and then that ends unexpectedly by an undesirable surprise……it is painful. Feeling of abandonment and broken dreams and promises is a horrible thing to behold. I’m young. Mid twenties….I still hurt from all the betrayels I’ve been through in my whole life. I have no idea why people do what they do. I try so hard to never be the one to hurt anyone but yet, I experience it the most out of anyone I know. I’m learning my lessons in life….but hurt is so hard to overcome and to love again and trust is even harder when people continually choose to leave instead of them just being taken away from you thru death. At least you know they love you, but others? It’s a harsh world.

    • jennaspurlin

      Miel, this is very much my story too, all I’ve seen is God taking, family, relationships, dreams, future, joy. And yet recently, through Christa and others I’ve thrown up my hands in hurt and cried guttural noiseless cries to him, so tired from hopelessness, I sit in His lap and I’ve found His consuming love that tells me He is rewriting my history with His love, it is being done well and its good, its necessary for my fullest life possible, even when it looks like the exact opposite. I’d love to talk through it sometime if you’d share with me.

  8. Love this! Not only are we talking about healing in church (and the fact that I have a ton of healing to do on my own), but I take the exact same approach when I write. I honestly don’t think my blog has a huge following lol, but that never mattered. And I’ve even said in posts that I won’t write unless I feel inspired to do so. I’m not going to write just to write and crank out posts. I need to be feeling something, and there needs to be a message, because it’s just more honest that way.

    THANK YOU for being honest and sharing your heart with all of us! 🙂

  9. valerie

    oops.. didn’t mean to hit enter on that last one. a friend told me about your new book.. pod cast. can hardly get thru it. reading your button.. hit back button off another post and it “landed” here. Can’t get thru all this either at the moment .. thanks for the permission to not get to it all at once.. i hope to do some processing with that friend and a few more this summer in an intimate small group with your new book. that’s my hope.

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“I had planned to end my life, but chose to give it one last shot and signed up for the Master Heart Course. I finally found what I was looking for. My life has changed in ways I could never could put into words, being healed far beyond what I could imagine. I have a long way to go, but this course literally saved my life..”

Mayah
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