March 3, 2017

Goldie

I know this picture might be hard to look at, but I can't help but show off how beautiful Goldie was. ❤ Anencephaly is a neuro tube defect that keeps the top of the skull and brain from forming, and they have no idea why it happens. And we had no idea she was anencephalic until she was born, her heart beating for the most terrifying 40 minutes of my life before her spirit left this earth. 💔 This week has been a roller coaster of emotions as we approach her birthday on Sunday. I've found myself unintentionally daydreaming about what life would be like if she had lived….how I would probably have a 5, 3, and 1-year old…..& would probably be sleeping through the night. ☺ I think about how she would be in a toddler bed and how we might be getting into Barbies or My Little Pony, probably starting preschool in the Fall. But then I look at Birdie and Loxley, realizing we wouldn't have either of them if she had lived—how I can't imagine life without them—a mother's heart torn between two different scenarios wishing they could both be true, but accepting that they can't. ❤ I think about how the most horrific pain I've ever known somehow made me into a person I never believed I could be…someone alive and in love, strong yet soft & feminine, broken yet more beautiful than ever. I think about how grateful I am for the ways her death taught me how to live, that this moment is all that I have so live it to the fullest. I learned that pain is unavoidable….but that suffering is optional. And in my pain I do not suffer. But I do miss my girl something fierce, especially this week. ❤ Love you, Luca Gold. Mommy loves you with all her heart. #March5 #LucaGold

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