October 24, 2017

Am I Safe?

I’ve never really felt safe.  Not really.
*
I thought my husband’s love would finally make me feel safe. But when it felt absent, my safety went away. I thought a certain number in my bank account would make me feel safe, but if it ever dipped, my safety flew out the window. I thought a certain body weight would make me feel safe, but when it began to age, my safety floated away.
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I have spent my life trying to control and create an external world where I can finally take a deep breath, relax, & feel safe for the first time ever. But the thing is, building a mansion on top of a cage is just an expensive prison. *
My unsafe heart has been that prison.
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Up until recently, there were places inside myself I just wasn’t willing to go. I didn’t know how. I was always scared of the HER who lived in there—the mom that would lose her cool under pressure when the house was a wreck, the wife who could drive the knife deep when she felt unloved and unseen, the woman afraid of sexuality and the sacred feminine, the little girl inside who still felt like she didn't matter…slaving to be valued and adored from the praises of others. *
& I have hated HER. Deeply. Hated how she always managed to hurt the people she loves. Hated how she feels so unpredictable—that external circumstances could swoop in and set her off. *
This year, I have been on a journey to find HER—that forgotten little girl within my heart who I have neglected, tortured, abused, and hated for far too long. I have sought to understand her cries and screams that began early on in life, to listen to her first the first time instead of silence her. To be relentlessly compassionate & kind when she raises her head & begins to kick and fight.
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She has a very good reason for fighting. & she will continue to fight until she feels safe.
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This year, I made a commitment to become safe for HER—for the wounded little girl in me who still acts out when she gets scared. I committed to being compassionate when she blows it, pull her close when she's angry, to love her unconditionally. & though I'm far from perfect, I feel safe for the first time in my life. I feel safe because I'm becoming a safe place for myself. ❤️

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“I had planned to end my life, but chose to give it one last shot and signed up for the Master Heart Course. I finally found what I was looking for. My life has changed in ways I could never could put into words, being healed far beyond what I could imagine. I have a long way to go, but this course literally saved my life..”

Mayah
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