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August 26, 2014

Is God Grading Your Life?

“Tell your daughter, whatever she's been going through.  God says to tell her that He gives her an A+.”

feature_report-card-1396391963When a stranger who doesn't know you, or know that you've been wading through the grief that comes with the death of your daughter, gives your parents a message to pass on to you like this one, you hold onto each word for dear life.  Especially since many times since March 5, I've felt like a total failure.

The past week and a half have been hard.  Harder than normal.

The thing about grief is that you get to a place where you feel like you're doing really well….like you might have survived the worst part of the storm.  And then all of a sudden out of nowhere, a lightening bolt fries your heart and you feel like you're right back in the moment when your baby died in your arms.

You feel busted.

You feel broken.

You feel like you're still bleeding all over the place, spinning out of control, wondering if the creepy part of the Willy Wonka boat ride will ever end.

There have been moments in the last week where I've cried harder than I cried when her heart stopped beating.  There have been seconds where I didn't know whether or not I could survive the level of pain that slashed at my already fragile heart.  And just when things couldn't seem to get any worse—wondering if I was ever going to move on and reunite with the land of the living—I'm reminded of the truth by a total stranger.

Christa, I'm giving you an A+ right now—even when you don't feel like you deserve it.  

-God

Isn't it incredible that the God of the universe isn't looking at our actions right now and judging us?  Isn't it mind blowing that He's instead looking at our hearts?

I Samuel 16:7

“For the LORD sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart.”

 

Today after dropping my parents off at the airport, barely able to drive because of the amount of tears and sobs heaving from my broken soul, the word of the Lord rang in my ears once again.  I see your heart, beautiful girl.  I see it, and I'm so proud of you.

God knew before the foundations of the world that I would have very little to give right now.  He knew that my heart would be so damaged by death, that sometimes anger would seep out and punch those I love.  He knew that I would want to retreat into unhealthy solitude, and escape from the pain through busyness and work.  He knew that I would fail miserably at certain relationships, and that I would fall down and mess up again and again.

If the world had a camera on me at all times and graded my grief, I promise you, I would fail by their standard of perfection—especially for someone who is in ministry.  We expect people on the platform to be perfect, instead of being honest about their road to maturity in all circumstances.  The fire of death and loss have burned with such intensity in recent weeks, there are all sorts of new, nasty little monsters, fears, insecurities, and anger that have risen to the surface—and believe me, they're not pretty.  But because my beautiful God isn't just looking at my actions—because He sees that my busted heart is the only thing I have to surrender right now, every time I lay it at His feet again, this incredible God says, Way to go, Christa.  You get an A+.

 

Right now, my only priority is my heart.  If I tried to control every action, reaction, and behavior, I would be focusing on the symptom, and not the problem.  And the problem is deep brokenness that, if not healed correctly, will lead to a lifetime of broken behaviors.  But the more I hand over my heart, day by day, even when I feel like a total failure……

The effort is seen, I'm reunited with the Healer, and God gets to come in and lead me into wholeness.

 

I'm exhausted, friends.  Please pray for me as I'm discovering some deep wounds that are surfacing from the flames of the hottest fire I've ever experienced.  And instead of seeing this as a bad thing, I'm so grateful that Jesus loves me enough to use this fire to refine me, get the ugly out, and transform my heart.

And in the process, I apparently get an A+.  Even when I don't feel like I don't deserve it.

xx,

CBG_SIGNATURE

 

 

 

 

 

27 Responses to “Is God Grading Your Life?”

  1. NZChick

    Christa thanks for your open and raw honesty. It is a good reminder that God looks at our heart and loves us no matter what we are going through or how we respond or react under the pressures and hard times in life. You are amazing and God sees you as a very precious and beautiful Gem. Will be praying for you as you continue to talk this journey.

  2. Praying for you Christa!!! Thank you so much for being open, honest and real. Too often those in Ministry feel they cannot admit to struggle, tears, anger etc. I think it’s actually more unhealthy to hide all that, than it is to just be open, honest and real. God knows every moment of every second of every day, and He sees your heart and feels the grief you feel. Bless you!!! May His love, grace, goodness, and overwhelming presence overwhelm you, each and every moment of every day!!! Keep going!! Don’t give up!! Don’t Give in!!! He does see your heart and He continues to love you, and fight for you. He continues to love you and pour that love out upon you!!! You are loved!!! You are Precious!!! What you are going through is not something many have ever experienced, and when you share your heart and life with others like this, the impact you are making on so many is great!!! You deserve an A+ because God has chosen you!!! He will never, ever, ever let you go!!!!!!!!

  3. Nikki Baas

    What a wonderful testimony of pure Grace. You’re doing a great job at being Christ’s Ambassador. I love when He is represented as PURE LOVE. Praying for you often, friend. <3

    • Christa Black

      Oh my goodness Toni I am so so so sorry. ): I have a close friend who lost their daughter to SIDS and I honestly can’t imagine. Point her to my blog, and I spoke a message at Jesus Culture in Los Angeles that might help. It’ll only be available for streaming until Sept 1, but I absolutely know her heart will relate to my pain and find some peace in the horrible storm! Please give her my love and a huge hug….xx

      • Toni Spradlin

        Oh beautiful Christa, that message is exactly what I needed to hear today, and exactly what I’ve been trying to express to Nicole. She keeps asking why God took her baby, and I keep trying to tell her He didn’t, that He loves little Giavanna even more than she does. She was living in Arlington, but my stepson moved her to Houston with him to help her get back on her feet. How I miss your beautiful face here in Nashville, but I am so proud of how God is using you to touch so many lives, including my own. May God continue to bless you abundantly in your ministry, sweet girl! I love you!

    • Christa Black

      Oh my goodness Toni I am so so so sorry. ): I have a close friend who lost their daughter to SIDS and I honestly can’t imagine. Point her to my blog, and I spoke a message at Jesus Culture in Los Angeles that might help. It’ll only be available for streaming until Sept 1, but I absolutely know her heart will relate to my pain and find some peace in the horrible storm! Please give her my love and a huge hug….xx

      • Toni Spradlin

        Oh beautiful Christa, that message is exactly what I needed to hear today, and exactly what I’ve been trying to express to Nicole. She keeps asking why God took her baby, and I keep trying to tell her He didn’t, that He loves little Giavanna even more than she does. She was living in Arlington, but my stepson moved her to Houston with him to help her get back on her feet. How I miss your beautiful face here in Nashville, but I am so proud of how God is using you to touch so many lives, including my own. May God continue to bless you abundantly in your ministry, sweet girl! I love you!

  4. Kerry G.

    I pray for you, dear friend, (yes without us even meeting you have been a friend to me thru your posts)…I lost my sweet girl in March also and I too feel that I take 100 steps forward and then 99 back. Sorrow is a strange thing. I pray peace. I pray comfort. I pray God’s love to be poured out in buckets over you when your heart feels torn apart from the deep anguish of a mommy missing her little girl. Hugs…..

    • Christa Black

      Oh Kerry, I am so sorry for your loss! Even as March gets further and further away with time, a piece of it feels like yesterday, doesn’t it? I don’t know how people do this without Jesus…..praying you know the Comforter like never before in this time. xx

  5. Olivia Katelyn

    I’m praying for you, Christa! Thank you so much for your raw honesty – my heart really resounds with your words right now. You are so brave, girl! I KNOW He is proud of you! Waves of comfort come washing over you this day!

  6. Olivia Katelyn

    I’m praying for you, Christa! Thank you so much for your raw honesty – my heart really resounds with your words right now. You are so brave, girl! I KNOW He is proud of you! Waves of comfort come washing over you this day!

  7. I read this again and I’m weeping with you. Thank you…again… for your honesty, transparency. It is SO Precious and so needed. There is nothing harder than grieving…in everything I have ever gone through, grief pain is the worst. And it sneaks up on you…out of nowhere. I am praying for you…daily. Be kind to yourself, because if Jesus were standing in person, face to face with you…he would be kind to you. xoxoxo

  8. I read this again and I’m weeping with you. Thank you…again… for your honesty, transparency. It is SO Precious and so needed. There is nothing harder than grieving…in everything I have ever gone through, grief pain is the worst. And it sneaks up on you…out of nowhere. I am praying for you…daily. Be kind to yourself, because if Jesus were standing in person, face to face with you…he would be kind to you. xoxoxo

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“I had planned to end my life, but chose to give it one last shot and signed up for the Master Heart Course. I finally found what I was looking for. My life has changed in ways I could never could put into words, being healed far beyond what I could imagine. I have a long way to go, but this course literally saved my life..”

Mayah
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